This entry brought to you by the word "still" ...

Last night I got a burst of "Let's do somethinb about it!" and e-mailed my state reps. One has responded. With a "sorry, sucks for you". That's not what he said, but he may as well have. But at least it was a real e-mail and not a form letter. Lamar Alexander is horrible for sending out generic form letter replies. Or at least he was the last time I sent an e-mail to him.

I'll let you know if anyone else responds.

I'm still waiting to hear back from my RE's office. I know the billing woman said they'd be open today, but still no return call from this morning. They're probably busy and it's not like I need the info right this second.

But those that know me can attest to my horrible lack of patience.

And for those keeping track, I still have't gotten my period. Nope. Not since the beginning of October. And I can safely say we're not pregnant. 2 random pee sticks just in case and I still only got the one line.

Here's a few random thoughts that struck me the other day ...

* I don't like tomatoes. I don't like tomato juice or tomato soup. But both things look good and it seems like I should like them. So every now and again I'll try them. And I'm always surprised when I don't like either. (the same thing goes for key lime pie)

* I'm rarely intentionally funny. But it seems that I have a tendancy to do funny things. Like fall or bump into things or say something completely stupid. And then I have to share it with someone. Which somehow makes me funny. Or just not that intelligent. Whichever.

* I don't make New Year's resolutions. I haven't for several years. Ok - I don't make the "I'm going to go to the gym and work out and lose weight and blah blah blah" kind. I've been reduced to "I'm going to try harder". In general. I'm just going to try harder at whatever it is - being nice, being a better friend, wife, etc ... Just try harder. Because that I can do.


****** and it's now 4:40 p.m. and I still haven't heard from my RE's office. I hate waiting.

Blinding lack of information ...

I called our RE's office yesterday and left a decent message about wanting to investigate IVF and seeing if she offers any type of discount for self pay or particpates in any of those share programs. The billing agent left me a message without any details, just saying to give her a call.

Of course her message was left at 4:34 and she said she'd be in the office until 4pm. Maybe she meant 5. But their office is open Monday, so I'll call back.

I also e-mailed ARC - again - to get an idea of pricing through them. I submitted a message to them yesterday morning, with all of our details, but only received a generic "thanks for contacting us" reply. It said to reply if I had further questions, so I replied with a detailed description of the treatments so far, the C677T MTHFR diagnosis, and the need for IVF w/ICSI.

I'll check my work e-mail on Monday (we're closed Monday and Tuesday both) in case they e-mail back with some real information.

Right now I'm looking at it as a fact finding mission more than anything else. I want ducks in rows and all that before we get really serious about it.

Ok ... let's hit it running ...

Like Katie said, asking never hurt.

So I'm back on the hunt for discounted IVF options. And there is one (that I can find) participating RE in my city.

I've shot them an e-mail since the web site doesn't list actual prices - says it's all based on what's needed. But it offers a refund option and a minimum of two transfers on even their most basic plan. I just don't want to set up a meet and greet with a doc only to find out it's still out of our range of financing options.

I think I'll also call my RE and see if they can do anything or if they participate in any discount / refund programs.

In the meantime, I think I'm also going to start looking into other fund raising options.

All for now ...

I hope everyone's holiday was good.

Ours was a good time. Only one minor blip - we went to my dad & step-mom's on Sunday instead of Christmas Eve, partially due to other family committments and partially to avoid the whole baby's first Christmas thing, only to have the family & baby show up anyway. Argh.

Outside of that, it wasn't a bad time. Just busy as all.

I'm working the late shift this week as my newest class of new hires just hit the floor on their own. I don't like working late, but I do get more done in the evening when part of the office has cleared out. It's just a bit quieter and there's less chance of my being interrupted.

I'm starting to give more thought to baby things now that the first of the year is so close. You know me - girl's gotta have a game plan.

It'd be awesome if we could afford a shared program for IVF (especially if my RE would participate), but even the discounted ones would be a serious stretch on our budget.

I'm still giving thought to the whole donation / whatever route. I don't like asking for handouts, but I'm not above taking them hah

Ah well ... it's time to get ready for work. I'll put together a decent post later.

I've been tagged!

I think I've done this one before, but I love tags so I'll do it again.

Missy tagged me for 7 interesting things about me. I'm not sure you'd call them interesting, but here goes:

1. I love spiders (I think I've mentioned this before). Tennessee has some of the largest spiders I've ever seen and they make these huge, elaborate webs. These spiders are harmless to people (they're big chickens and scamper for cover), but I joke about them saying "fuck a bunch of moths. I want a bird!".

2. I have an amazing tolerance for animals but very little patience with people. Really. People bother me hah

3. My network of close friends is very small. I'm outgoing and know a lot of people, but if you were to ask how many I talk to on the phone I'll only be able to list a few. Sometimes I wish I would let more in, have more people to call when I'm bored or wanting to do something. But I don't believe in superficial friendships and can't bring myself to foster more with people I don't click with. So on those days when everyone I know is busy and I wonder why I don't have more closer friends, I remind myself that it's quality - not quantity - that counts. And my friends are quality.

4. I'm not all that girly. I was a tomboy as a kid and my fave clothes are still jeans and a t-shirt. The only things I'd be considered girly about are my nails and hair. I work hard to keep my nails strong and long (home grown, not store applied!) and I'm particular about my hair cut. That's not to say I paint my nails and style my hair all the time because I don't. I usually use only sally hansen miracle growth on my nails and I usually just put my hair up. But I want them to look good when I do decide to do something to them. Weird, I know.

5. I love funky picture frames. I use to constantly take pictures of my friends and I'd pick up random, mis-matched picture frames from various stores and put them all around. I'm not sure why the attraction, but I still try to find frames with a bit of personality to them.

6. I'm generally a cheerful, talkative person. But there's more on that later - I actually have a blog in mind about this topic.

7. I cherish my alone time. I love my husband dearly. I adore my friends. But I like having at least a few hours of alone time at some point in the week.

And if you thought that was easy, please know I started this blog over 1/2 an hour ago hah

I had a dream ...

and it sucked.

Really.

I'm up at 5am because of a retardo dream.

The company I work for really does try to hold onto the whole family atmosphere and you can see it in how the employees relate and care about each other. One of these ways is when someone's having a baby shower - people will post fliers for the shower and it's posted on the company's intranet.

Ok. I can deal with that.

But this morning my brain took it a step further.

I had a dream that someone sent out an e-mail about a "mommy fund". The purpose of the fund would be to purchase baby shower gifts for expectant moms throughout the year. You donate a few dollars the one time and voila, no more pressure to buy a gift.

I woke up with the words of my e-mail to our president still running through my head.

Because, truthfully, that would have been my normal response would that have really happened. Why directly to the president? Because the offending e-mail was sent by someone in our HR team and they're all very aware of my situation (and my constant feedback about insurance coverage). So if it's sent by them, then the next person is their boss.

But it wasn't a real e-mail. Just one my head made up. Because it hates me sometimes.

I actually think it's because this is our first Christmas after our March miscarriage and rearranging our visiting schedule had the added benefit of avoiding my step-sister's baby (I'm lovely, aren't I?). I think the dream is just a sign it's bugging me more than I'm willing to acknowledge.

Which is ok. If that's what it need to do, then so be it. But that won't stop me from napping later on.

In other news ... the puppy potty pads are working.

Silent all these ... days ...

or something hah

Work has been super busy and I just haven't been motivated to post. Sorry.

Last night Patrick and I went out to dinner with Marie. We decided to go to Red Lobster and ended up eating a lot. Really. A lot. But it was yummy and the company rocked (as usual) and it was a good time.

It also served as a reminder that we can do those things now that we're in our own place. It wasn't like we couldn't ever go anywhere before, but there was always this looming sense of responsibility (for me, at least) that my animals were there and that I needed to be there to keep someone else from feeling like they may have to deal with anything that came up.

Being in our own place doesn't mean we're less responsible. It just means we don't have to worry about answering to anyone else.

Which rocks.

Ie bought myself a Christmas present - I broke down and ordered Sirius radio. I was given almost 4 months of it for free when I first bought my van and I've missed it something fierce.

I know - we're not supposed to buy ourselves anything before Christmas and birthdays. But ... woops.

If I don't get to before it comes, please everyone have a safe and happy (or, at the least, decent) holiday. Try not to stress, try not to worry, and

do

not

pee

on

a

stick

before

Christmas.

(yes, I'm talking to you and you!)

Things in our household have calmed down. Not that they were all spazzy to begin with, but the water leak and cat pee threw some tension out there.

I bought some Nature's Miracle and I'm going to try it sometime today.

I also stocked up on cat food and cat litter. I figure we may not need it right away, but we will at some point. Cats gotta eat and poop - that stuff doesn't stop just because you're in the middle of your pay period.

My company's Christmas party was this past Friday and it was ... ok.

My employer's parties are normally a huge bragging point for a lot of us. Most companies provide dinner, but that's about it - you have to pay for your overpriced drinks and any prizes are kind of a joke. My employer, though, goes all out - dinner, jazz band and DJ in two separate areas, seriously good door prizes (I won a huge gas grill one year), an open bar, and then some sort of activity (we had pretend gambling tables the last couple of years). We also usually have some sort of charity thing going on.

In the veign of belt-tightening and saving money, though, this year's party was scaled back. We did have the charity thing - each department put together various gift baskets of stuff (2 had ipods and one had a magellan, for example) that were raffled off (tickets were $1 or $5 each)with all money raised going to Second Harvest, and there was dinner and a DJ, but that's where the similarities ended. Otherwise ... it was just another company Christmas party.

I'm glad we had a party and it was a nice chance to see everyone dressed up (our dress code is casual), but ... well ... we've gotten spoiled.

Patrick bought a new entertainment center. Our 3rd since we've moved, if anyone's keeping track. This one's a real one, though, and looks really nice. Especially with our new tv in it. It's like it was made for it. So no more tilting plastic tv stand. Yay!

We're trying to juggle our Christmas holiday visitation schedules. I had planned on going to my dad & step-mom's on Christmas eve, but my step-sister and the baby will be there and I'm really not sure I want to.

We'll see ...

Damn Madman and his links!

'What will your obituary say?' at QuizGalaxy.com

	polka dot Pills: Will cause involuntary commitment to a mental institution
	'What effect do you have on people?' at QuizGalaxy.com

(You have to highlight the text in that 2nd one. I can't get it to be any darker)

I am Jack's broken pipe ...

The water leak is fixed. And this break was my fault ...

When I brought the 2 large dogs home, I wanted to park close to the gate without going up the driveway. So I parked on the side yard. And managed to park a tire exactly on top of where the original break was.

And break it again.

Yep, my fault. I own it.

My husband, being the awesome guy he is, has yet to rub my nose in it.

We have the carpet in the closet ripped out, the floor kilzed and tiled, and the cat boxes back in place with puppy potty pads on both sides. And someone has used the potty pads, so I consider that a victory.

But ... the room still smells. Not as badly, but it's still there. So I do believe I'm going to pick up some of that nature's stuff a couple ladies recommended and treat part of the carpet in the rest of the room.

The closet floor has been kilzed.

I may kilz it one more time before being done. The smell is mostly gone, but not completely. And since I haven't put the tile down yet (sheer laziness), I can still add another coat.

Out water leak isn't as bad as the original. Patrick said the meter is moving, but nowhere nearly as fast as before. And since the weather was to be warmer with a slim chance for rain, he had set aside yesterday and today to work on it.

And it rained almost all day both days.

But that's ok. It'll get fixed, even if it's not on our initial time frame.

Let the siege begin ...

The overthrowing of the cat pee closet has begun.

I connected my Toshiba Gigabeat (way better, more room, and lots cheaper than a iPod) to my computer and loaded up the songs before staging my attack.

Then I ripped the carpet out and ... oh ... my ... fucking ... God. Yeah - it was that nasty.

I have Kilz that Marc, my best gay, left when we were painting the living room. I cleaned the closet out, and slathered Kilz on the floor and the floorboards in there. The offending carpet and carpet padding have been bagged and moved into the garage.

Only one cat managed to step on the underside of the Kilz lid and track a few paw prints through the room (this room has brown shag, ala 1970). I consider that a victory as it was just the one.

We have another water leak (no, I'm not kidding) and Patrick is at WalMart getting ... I'm not sure what. But I put in a request for puppy potty pads. I don't know that it'll help, but I'm going to give it a shot. If nothing else, it'll keep it off the floor. I can throw a puppy potty pad away a lot easier than flooring.

In the meantime, I'm waiting for the Kilz to dry so I can lay the sticky vinyl flooring the previous owners were kind enough to leave us (it's left overs from the 1/2 bath).

I'm hoping this is successful.

Just ramblings ...

Madman is under the mistaken impression that I cook . The man's known me for over 4 years. You'd think he'd know better by now hah

Today was a pretty busy day at work. I spent my morning listening to calls and my afternoon meeting with my reps. Plus I worked on my new hire agenda for the class starting with me tomorrow.

Busy girl.

One of our cats has peed on the carpet in the closet we keep the cat boxes in. Pisses me off.

Pisses me off ... get it? I made a funny!

Anyway ... the project for this weekend (cuz you can't get that shit out once it's there) is to cut the carpet in the closet out, kilz the floor there, and then lay stick laminate on it (the previous owners left us some). And I think I'll put those puppy potty pads around the boxes so maybe it'll hit that instead of the floor if someone misses.

It's just a few minutes to 5 and I'm so ready to be home. I may actually play online a bit later.

I suppose it's time for a real update ...

I just hadn't been in the mood, really. There's things I want to blog about, but again with the co-workers reading your blog thing.

We had open enrollment for our benefits yesterday. Well, they're going on all week but I went to yesterday's.

No changes. Other than cost, that is. Still with our original carrier, who refuses to offer any type of infertility coverage - including support of any pregnancy resulting from fertility treatments.

Gah.

I opted to not renew our FSA. It was a brief thought as I know we can afford to live with that money gone as we've already been doing it. But, again, no change was made to our FSA carrier and they only offer a MasterCard debit. IFVmeds, the company in the UK I get my meds from (way cheaper - really) no longer accepts MasterCard. So that pretty much clinched it.

No FSA + no change in insurance = no more treatments.

Kind of mixed up about that and not really wanting to analyze it right now. I think I'll just concentrate on ways to save money towards IVF or adoption (don't be surprised if heifer puts a donation button on her blog hah).

I'm loving our house. I'm finally use to the quiet and I love having our pets with us. They're a lot of work but I get a lot of enjoyment out of them.

I need to take some pictures so y'all can see it and them. Not that it'd win any home awards for decorating, but that's ok. It'll get there eventually.

I can't resist tags!

Katie and, Missy, tagged me for my Things of Four. So here goes!

Four jobs I have held in life:

• My first job was at a Showbiz Pizza, currently known as Chucky Cheese. I was a cashier, not the ape wearing the mouse costume.
• Job finder for people on work release and parole. LOVED it! Really.
• Office facilitator for a law firm in Memphis. It's a fancy title for someone who orders stuff, sets up rooms for conferences, and makes sure there's lots of supplies.
• My current job - customer care trainer.

Four movies I have watched more than once:

• Grease - my all time fave!
• A Fish Called Wanda
• Emmett Otter's Jugband Christmas. This is a must see every Christmas Day!
• Eddie and The Cruisers. Campy 80's flick, but I love it.

Four places I have vacationed:

• Florida (isn't it everyone's go-to destination?)
• Washington DC (I was like 11)
• Cape Hatteras
• Seattle, WA

Four of my favorite foods:

• Prime rib - my all time high
• Shrimp - any way you can make it, I'll probably eat it
• Steak - bring on the beef!
• My mom's Thanksgiving Day stuffing

Four places I would rather be:

• Cancun
• Cape Hatteras
• In my jammies (does that count?)
• On a yacht somewhere

Four hobbies I engage in regularly:

• Reading
• Playing Sims2 (total addict! I have all of the expansion packs)
• Watching TV
• Surfing the net

Ok ... now to tag 4 more people ...

infertilityjustsucks
Ally
lub
Erin

Get crackin', ladies!

I'm still here ...

To say I haven't been busy would be to say I'm a size 2.

It just isn't true.

Work has been crazy. I have new hires hitting the floor, QRs to do and review, meetings to attend, and the last bit of work on the projects I was assigned (due tomorrow!). And more new hires starting on Tuesday. Plus all the usual admin stuff that goes along with all of that.

So I've brought my laptop home each night this week and worked. I'm on it now, as a matter of fact!

But on to other stuff ...

I still haven't gotten my period. Remember the one I said I knew was on the way because I had my usual signs? Yeah well ... no. The signs poofed and it hasn't shown up yet. But I know it's lurking there. The signs come and go and now I have pressure. Pressure usually means it's imminent.

Which would be a big fat "about damned time!" since it's almost a full 2 months past due.

I've felt twinges here and there - the sharp pinch near my ovaries. But no blood.

No, I'm not pregnant. I remember what it felt like to be pregnant - always exhausted and always hungry, with sore boobs and pants that didn't fit. I'm not that. I'm just late.

I'm blaming the stress of moving and my work load.

Saturday is my nephew's birthday. The one that was murdered a couple months ago. 19. I can't stand it.

The last little bit ...

Well, we're finally, completely moved in.

We brought the 2 big dogs today.

Hoss is in his kennel, new dog house and all. Pearl is standing at our back door, alternately yelping and whining. I'd have her in a kennel but I could only get one from work and I can't afford the retail cost of them.

So for now, Pearl has to run loose. Which you'd think she'd like. But no. Apparently she either needs to be kenneled or she needs to be inside. Maybe it's a security thing.

I'm wondering what she'll do when it gets dark.

Biscuit was happy to see them. Not that she's ever run around with them, but they're familiar to her. And Pearl did run around with her (she's 11 so she's a bit slow), while Hoss barked (he's too large to play with 12lb Biscuit). Biscuit's currently passed out on the floor.

The neighbor dogs all had a field day when we got here. And while mine ran around, barely making any sounds, theirs set the band loose. Especially this black and white dog in the corner. That dog ... non-stop. So much so that we moved Pearl's dog house to the other side of Hoss's so that neighbor dog can't see her.

Not that she's used the dog house since we've gotten here. She's too busy standing at our back door.

I'm exhausted. Really. Moving two large dogs in the van and then getting them situated ... mentally exhausted.

But this move marks the official end to my daily 40 minute trek (that's each way, thank you very much) to make sure the large 2 were fed in the evenings. I'm sure my dad would have fed them, but he'd have bitched about it. So now that they're here, that comes to an end.

And it marks us as being completely, fully, moved in.

Yay.

Shopping? What shopping?

There were plenty of sales today. Just nothing that we particularly wanted.

Ok no - there was one thing. K-Mart had a 5 piece kitchen table & chairs set for dirt cheap that I wanted to go see (we don't have a kitchen table). The price, the sale price that is, matched the quality.

Ew.

But we did find a Epson combo printer / copier / scanner for $24.99 at BestBuy. We weren't looking for one. It was just there and at a damned good price.

The stores weren't anywhere nearly as busy as we'd expected. We left the house just after 8 a.m., expecting hordes of people. Instead, we found light traffic and not so jammed aisles.

I'm still tossing the whole baby thing around. I'm not sure what we're going to do. I do know that I'm ok with the decision to use my bonus money to help make our house more of a home, though.

It's not that I suddenly don't want a baby. I'm sure y'all know better than that. It's just such a crazy ride and, while the 2ww is exciting in so many ways, I do enjoy not having to go through it and all that the treatments entail.

I dunno. I really did think I'd never be able to get pregnant. And getting pregnant, the blessing that it was, threw that out the window. But I know the chances of it happening a 2nd time without IVF are slim. Especially since we only have the 1 inj/iui chance left and it took 4 tries and a hysteroscopy the last time.

So ... no ... I don't know what we're going to do. But it's in the back of my mind, smoldering. It'll come to me when the time is right.

Happy day before thanksgiving!

So so much has been happening.

Mostly at work.

The house is still awesome. I love having our own place and I'm getting use to the quiet again. I take a lot of joy in laying on the couch or the floor with Biscuit or a cat.

It's those little things - like changing the shower curtain rod last night - that makes me smile.

This weekend will be busy. Not just with the holiday happenings, but with work. I have a lot to do still and I want to make sure it's all done correctly and well. So this 4 day weekend won't really be a 4 day weekend for me.

But at least I'll be doing it at home.

Nothin to see ...

So I didn't get a new keyboard. But I'm sure I will.

The thing with the bonus is ... I'm using it for the house.

I know. I went on about wanting to be punch drunk with the 2ww, but ... well ... I want my house to feel like a home instead of some 1/2 empty place to sleep. That and the fact that the amount wasn't enough to cover it all.

So I've used some of my bonus money to buy pictures and a few other odds & ends. I also want a docking station for my MP3 player. I don't have an iPod - I bought a Toshiba Gigabeat on Overstock.com with 40 gigs for just $173 last year. It does all the same stuff, but it's not the super thin, highly sought after item the iPod is (which is tard, really).

Toshiba, though, doesn't make a docking station so I can listen to the music without the headphones and finding one that's not designed for the iPod is insanely hard.

So that's my next purchase. That and one of those silent keyboards. Cuz this bitch is driving me bonkers.

I'm really here ...

I've just been too busy to post.

So busy that I typed that first line yesterday and had to go do something.

We've been in our house almost 2 wks already. Hard to believe!

Ok ... I can't take this loud keyboard. I'm a loud typer to begin with, but this ... this is horribly distracting.

I may buy a keyboard while I'm out today.

Then I'll post.

Some things ...

Lessons learned:

Biscuit doesn't know that not all cats have claws. And if smacked in the head by one without any, she will still roll her face around on the floor.

Cats raised with dogs don't give a new, different dog a second glance. Mackie, the old man, spends as much time as possible rubbing against Biscuit, causing her to look terrified. The other cats think of her as just another piece of furniture.

Except when being chased. Biscuit's new fave past-time is cat chasing. Unless the cat makes it to the kitchen. Then all chasing stops as Biscuit's nervous on linoleum.

Getting frisky with the dog in the bedroom causes interruptions at the worst of times. Really.

Hot dogs and mac & cheese made in your own kitchen is the best you'll ever eat.

Sudden privacy can actually be a bit intimidating and scary.

Lamps are not overrated.

I win!

I'm excited to say that I'm on our computer at home! Yay!

Not only do I have a rosie talky blog playing, but I have 3 other windows open. And none of them are stalling. Double yay!

I can even follow Katie's tag! You know - where you go to Google and do a search for your name followed by the word "needs".

So here goes:

Angela needs to consantly feel the presence of God. (Well ... sometimes this is very true.)

Angela needs a family who will access and work with a therapist. (Either that or better drugs)

And the best one? There's a whole book on what Angela needs! Really. Go here.

You can't top a whole book, people.

I need more than 24 hours in a day ...

I keep thinking about time.

I have this weird thing about time. As in - I have a constant need to know what time it is and I always feel like there isn't enough of it because I always have somewhere to go or something to do.

It's always - what time is it, where do I need to be by such & such time, how much time do I have until then .... ? Those sorts of thoughts are forever rattling around in my brain.

Here's an example -

Right now it's just barely after 1pm. I know I need to leave soon, but I want to make sure the 2 dogs are fed their dinner before I go. If I feed them too early, they'll be pretty damned hungry before my dad feeds them in the morning (I'm going to leave some food for them so I don't have to trek here before work tomorrow).

But it'll be dark just after 5pm and Patrick (who's at home, building Hoss's new dog house) and I still need to go to WalMart and do some food-stuff shopping.

It'll take me about 40 minutes to get from here to home. So when to feed the dogs and leave so they won't be all starving in the moring and I won't get home too close to dark?

And those thoughts didn't just occur to me. I've been thinking along those lines since I got here a couple hours ago.

If that's not enough, I'm already trying to figure out how long it'll take me to get home the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, feed the animals, and then come back to Lenoir City for an early Thanksgiving dinner with my mom and that side of my family. And that's more than a week away!

This has to be part of some kind of disorder, no?

As a side note - I have been reading everyone while I'm here. I haven't commented because my dad's computer sucks ass and half the time the page won't even load. When I leave comments for people, I'm usually at work and on a computer and connection that doesn't hate the internet. So please don't think I've just come here, blogged, and jetted. We'll have cable inernet at home as of tomorrow, so I'll be back to commenting after then. Until that time, though, just know that I'm here and I'm reading.

I'll have internet at home on Monday!

We ended up calling a plumber place after all. Patrick, while sure he could do the work, said he'd feel a lot more secure knowing it was done by someone who does it for a living. So a really nice guy came out from a place we called and replaced the entire plastic line with a copper one and even added a bend (or something or other) so it wouldn't have to be stretched like the other one was.

The best news? Digging the hole ourselves saved us about $1200. Yep. $1200. While working on the pipe, the guy asked Patrick if he'd like to know how much it would have cost had he not already dug the hole. He said that to pick up a shovel, it was a minimum charge of $300. If he had to bring a Bobcat, it would have been at least $1200. And as our line was about 3 ft down, he'd have brought a Bobcat. So all told, it cost $199. And almost $100 of that was for parts. So yay.

My best friend, Marc, doesn't have a washer and dryer. When his roomie moved to Florida, he took the washer & dryer with him. So Marc had basically just been living out of the clothes in his closet. Which, as anyone who knows a gay man knows, was a substantial amount of clothing. He brought his dirties last night and christened our washer & dryer. When I went to help him get the clothes out of his car, I was all ... uh ... good God! Really. The man brought one laundry basket and about 3 garbage bags full of clothes. It wasn't that I minded. Not at all. I was just amazed at how much clothing this man has. I mean, I've seen his closet a gazillion times. But damn ... all that and he still had clothes left!

We're getting more settled and the place is starting to feel more like a home to me. Patrick said as soon as he walked through the front yard that first day, it felt like his. A small part of me still feels like a visitor, but I'm sure that will change as we get more things arranged and get the animals moved in.

Speaking of animals ... Biscuit is driving me nuts. She follows me from room to room. If she's sleeping on the couch and I get up for any reason, she's right behind me. I can't even pee alone. I know she's nervous and a bit scared as she gets use to living somewhere else, but gah ...

Maybe having a few cats to chase this evening will give her something else to do.

Yet more boring house stuff ...

We have water! Yay!

My husband, who is an awesome man, found the leak in the first place he dug. He was all sorts of muddy by the time my dad & I got there with our bed and there was a 3ft deep hole in our yard, but his exhausted self was all sorts of glad. Me too, as his being able to do things like this saved us hundreds of dollars. I'm quite proud of the guy.

So he put a boot (I still have no idea what that is) on what turned out to be a costly teeny, tiny split, which completely stopped the leak, and is going to work to replace that entire section today. The boot should work fine, but he's nervous it'll split or break at some point and we'll be back at step 1.

I picked up a cheapie set of pots at the dollar general store, so we were even able to have real food last night. Nothing grand as we really don't have groceries, but it was the first time we cooked in the house. So that's something.

The smoke smell is better. I'll need to paint the kitchen next, but it's not as pressing as it was.

We still don't have all the animals with us yet. Biscuit has spent the last couple nights with us, last night hogging the middle of the bed (at just 12lbs, it's amazing how much room she can take). My dad brought her brother, Charlie, with him yesterday and Charlie, being Charlie, managed to escape the yard when the guys were coming through the side gate. 10 minutes and 3 houses across the street later, I had him back in the yard. The trick? Dogs that barked, which kept him interested in a specific area, and my pretending a rock was food I was eating. The dog can't pass up food and I snatched him up when he came close to check it out.

Anyway ... the cats and my other 2 dogs are still here at dad's. If I can't get Hoss's kennel from work sometime today, it'll be next week before I can get him moved. The cats ... eh ... they can technically be moved anytime now. Except this morning I didn't empty the van before coming over here and there's no way I can chuck them in the back with all that stuff.

But I'm no longer worried about the old girl, Pearl, being a barker. Both houses that border ours have 2 dogs each and they're barkers. Really really barky. So if the neighborhood has put up with them, there's no worries about Pearl.

So we're good. Still getting things straight (silly me for thinking we'd be all moved in within just a couple of days ... hah!), but we're almost there.

Welcome to home ownership ...

Most of our things are moved. Although I ended up not being as motivated as I intended to in my last post. I ended up taking a quick nap on the couch and didn't get a thing packed up until Patrick got here a couple hours later.

The previous owners smoke. And apparently smoked in the house. The house is seriously airtight. Which means the whole place reeked of smoke and you could see a huge difference between where the pictures were and the rest of the walls.

Which made us decide to paint a lot sooner than we had planned.

So that set us back another couple hours as we toured Home Depot - he for dog house building supplies and I for coordinating paint colors.

My best gay, Marc, came over and helped me paint the living room (the largest offender in the home) and our bedroom (which was this awful mint green color) while Patrick went back to the family farm and picked up the shiffer (sp?) robe (it's like an armoir), 2 really old couches, a chair, and other miscellaneous stuff.

The best part? The KUB guy showed up to read the meter for the switch-over and announced that we have a water leak somewhere.

Yes folks, our home has a water leak somewhere between the meter and the house. And we, figuring the sellers were already being generous with the closing costs and the inspection was so awesome, didn't ask for a home warranty.

Yay.

Patrick has been all over the crawl space and even replaced a pressure valve (there's a water regulator to help conserve water), and the slowed the meter a bit, but there's a leak somewhere outside. And nope, our home owner's insurance doesn't cover service lines. And KUB doesn't service service lines either.

So amid all the Yay! for buying our own home with a fantabulous yard, there's also an Aw Fuck! for the water leak as that's going to cost a pretty penny.

Biscuit, our small dog, spent the night with us last night. I came by yesterday to get a couple more things and scooped her up, too. She's not use to a fenced-in yard. She's use to being able to run loose. So each trip to the back yard turned into a labor of fence inspecting. She met 2 of the neighbor dogs (who bark - a lot. Which makes me feel better about my own dogs barking hah), laid on the couch, followed me from room to room, barked at the kids coming home from school, and spent the night sleeping between my legs. We don't have our bed yet (it's still here, but on today's agenda), so that meant I couldn't even turn over. Cuz ... well ... you don't disturb sleeping animals, duh.

I spent most of yesterday with a paint fume induced headache, which included wanting to puke. A couple of TheraFlu pills knocked me out and took care of the headache, thank God. I was absolutely miserable.

So I'm back at dad's right now. Biscuit is running around with Charlie (her littermate and best bud) and I'm just hanging out. Patrick has to work this morning, but then he'll head here to get the bed and the last of our things, then we'll head back to the house to get the dog house built. I need to run to the dollar store and get a few cat pans so I can get the cats moved, and a hamper.

I also need to call someone about that leak. Argh.

Why yes, I did start this at 4:30 A.M. ...

My dad helped me load our things from the garage yesterday morning. These were things that were still in boxes from when we moved here. And because I threw a lot of things out when we moved, it took about 20 minutes.

I hung out at Marc's house for the rest of the morning, waiting for the seller to call and hand over the keys. Marc lives about 10 minutes from the house and I figured I'd rather be there than here, where it would have been closer to 40 minutes. So when she called around 12:15, I was ready to go.

A bit later, Patrick and I were able to get more things from his family's farm - the fridge, his grandfather's buffet, and a buttload of stuff that we got for our wedding that his mom had been holding for us. It was pretty nifty going through those bags last night - I'd forgotten how much stuff we actually got at the bridal shower and the wedding itself. Aside from pots and pans (which we have none of, thank you very much), our kitchen is fairly well-stocked with ... kitchen type things (did I mention it's now 4:40 A.M.? My brain isn't working yet). We have a ton of dishtowels, a new toaster, a new electric can opener, a new coffee pot with several boxes of Geneva coffee (thanks to dad), a new Deluxe George Forman grill, and a new waffle maker. We also have lots of Pyrex dishes. I thought we had a couple of Corningware casserole dishes somewhere in there, but it seems I was wrong. Oh and a fancy spice turnstyle rack thingy. I hadn't seen any of these things since right after our wedding, so it was kind of like opening the gifts all over again.

I was putting that spice racky thingy together and Patrick said "Oh, nice rack" and I said "Why thank you" bahaha

We'll spend most of today getting the rest of our stuff moved - the washer & dryer and the mini fridge, our bathroom stuff, my drugs (yes, I'm taking my needles, alcohol wipes, and leftover meds ... oy), the bedside table and the king size bed frame (although we won't be using the frame just yet), and our bedroom stuff, including the bed, as well as 2 couches and a chair from his mom's place.

What we don't have - a lamp (or two) and curtains for the living room, a dresser, pots & pans, a kitchen table and chairs, a shower curtain, and a tv stand. Oh and I want one of those Swiffer wet jets for the kitchen.

Anyway - yesterday was exciting. It's still hard to believe the place is ours, even though the kitchen is currently filled with boxes of odds and ends and there's already towels in the linen closet and some boxed & canned food stuff in the cabinets. And rather than wash all of our packed dishes by hand, I loaded them up in the dishwasher and let it do the work while we ran to his family's farm.

I also need to run to the local low-cost vet office to pick up a bunch of flea drops for the animals. Then tomorrow they'll be the last things we move.

Speaking of ... it's now 5:23 A.M. and I should probably get off my tush and get the last bit of stuff in this house packed and moved to the van. That way there'll only be the bed and the last of the large stuff to contend with when my dad gets up (I volunteered him and his trailer bahaha).

And since last night was the last night I'll be spending here, that means I officially won't have internet until we can get it installed at home.

So ... I'm off to find a random box for my bathroom stuff!

Got a bit excited there ...

Ok, so I spoke a bit too soon hah

Don't get me wrong, we should be able to start moving sometime tomorrow. But, for today at least, I still have computer access at the father unit's home.

Over the last few days, I called around for cable / internet connection prices. A lot of places are running what they call the "Triple Play" - you get cable, internet, and phone for something around $99 a month for a year. But we don't want or need a home phone. Both of us have cell phones and technology these days allows for better 911 usage if we need it. So why have a home phone? Other than to allow telemarketers call us, that is.

Pricing for just internet and cable / dish is really really ridiculous. Really. The lowest price I could find was $124 a month. And that was for just basic cable that included only the local channels. And the two dish networks that service this area use dsl, requiring you have an active phone line.

Puh.

Except for Knology, a smaller company that services only a handful of cities in the south. Their cost for internet and cable is $66 a month with no activation fees. And that includes a 7mbps cable internet and cable tv with all channels plus a premium channel. And that price is guaranteed through June of 2008. The downside is that the first available appointment was Monday the 12th. Ick. But the order confirmation lady sent a note to their installation department to see if they can squeeze me into any spare openings that may come up. It's just that I won't really have much notice - they'll call and one of us will have to be available.

I'm looking forward to having this week off. I worked almost all day yesterday (I was just 1 hour shy of a full shift) to meet with my direct reports and prepare to be off. I have a lot I need to have ready to report by 12/1, so I was going to bring my laptop with me so I could get a good chunk of some stuff done during the week. But then I said ... Fuck it. There's been a good bit of drama at work lately and I need the time away. Plus I deserve to be able to fully enjoy moving into our new home without anything else hanging over my head.

For the record, my period hasn't started yet. I know it's waiting for the opportune time - like Wednesday, when we should be officially moved in. The two unfallible warning signs have poofed and I have no other signs yet, such as sore boobs, so I'm thinking this is going to be one of those months where I get no warnings and the bitch just shows up.

Ta for now ...

This will probably be my last post for a number of days.

Why?

Cuz we're moving!

We should be able to start moving our things sometime Monday. And as I have a new class coming in, I need to take this coming week off work (which works out since we can start moving sometime Monday). And since the previous owners haven't disconnected their cable yet, I can't even sign up to have ours turned on.

No cable = no internet.

But please know that even if I can't read for a few days, I will be sure to check everyone's blogs when I'm finally connected at home.

So y'all be good (or good at it har har) and, most importantly, stay safe.

It's ours, beeyotch ...

And we're done! We are now official home owners! yay!

There was some drama early on, as the lender was scrambling to buy the interest rate back down to where she had quoted us. I'm not exactly sure what happened, but some small change at the underwriter's caused the interest rate to go up.

From what we can tell, the lender lady cut her pay quite a bit to make it happen.

Then it was discovered that the sellers could actually pay the amount of the closing costs we'd originally agreed upon, not just the 3% the lender changed it to at the end of last week. So that caused yet another delay. (Which means the heiffer flat out lied to me when she said it was a scheduling conflict that was making it necessary to change our morning closing time to the afternoon.)

So when we got there at 1:45 for our 2pm closing, the title company still hadn't gotten the documents and had apparently spent a good chunk of the day making and receiving phone calls.

But all ended well and everyone ended up very satisfied with what they got.

And ... and ... the sellers will be out on Sunday. The Mrs would like to go back Monday morning and make sure it's all vacuumed and stuff, but I honestly don't care. The place was spotless yesterday morning and they have very little stuff left to move. I don't see them suddenly trashing the place.

But ... I'll pick up the keys on Monday and we can start moving stuff! I think I may spend a good part of the weekend going through the boxes we have stored in my dad's garage to make sure it's still somewhat organized.

Now to get cable and internet set up!

And it's here ...

Today's the day! Eeep!

Patrick's doing the walk-through this morning as I have to work until noon. Then we'll meet for lunch before heading to the title company to sign the papers.

Word is that the sellers aren't moving out until next week. Damn it. I really really wanted them out NOW.

But they're also aware that we won't be switching the utilities to our name until they move. And they are paying us some rent for the week, so at least there's that. Our agent also recommended we give them our contact numbers in case they decide to move out a few days early.

I've requested the week of 11/12 for vacation. My manager already knew I was going to take the week we move off, whether it was next week or the week after - she said just to let her know for sure when I knew.

So ... now I sit here and spend the next several hours watching the clock.

Ok so now it's closer to 24 hours ...

Ok so the lender and the title company are having scheduling conflicts tomorrow morning.

Our closing has been pushed back to 2pm.

Still no word from their agent about when the sellers are actually vacating the place.

Argh.

Not even a day ...

We're less than 24 hours away from closing on our new home.

As I told my mom last night, I have this constant nauseas anticipation hah I'm just terrified we're going to get there and something's going to go wrong even though the lender has said that all is ready and we're good to go.

Oy.

Still no word on when they're actually moving out. We did give them an extra week, which they agreed to pay us rent for, but I'm really hoping they're already out and no one's told us yet. Our agent is trying to find out for us, as well as negotiating the utilities.

My thing is that I don't want to pay for their week of utilities if they're staying that full time. It may sound petty, but it's chilly enough here for most people to be turning on the heat - which has gotten about 10% more expensive this winter. Plus, moving requires a bunch of in and out and washing and cleaning causing more electric and water usage than normal. And I don't want to pay for that either.

Our agent said it's fine - we can agree to have it switched to our name effective the date they move.

Which (say it with me) I'm hoping is tomorrow.

She hates me ...

There are 2 signs my body gives when my period is on its way.

One is the urge to eat. It's safe to say that if it can't outrun me, I'm going to eat it.

The other I won't go into detail on because co-workers read this. It's not gross or anything, but I don't need to share it with people I see face-to-face every day.

Needless to say, I'm experiencing both signs.

Why do I mention it? No, not because I'd hoped that some miracle would find me pregnant. But because my body has the worst habit of interrupting any possible celebration related coitus times.

For example - with the exception of my most recent birthday, I've had my period for every birthday (his and mine) and major holiday.

Honest.

Our wedding was a Saturday evening. I started my period Sunday.

I was able to point out my last period when I talked to our RE because it was the first birthday of mine that I haven't spent bleeding since my husband and I started dating.

Every major holiday has been celebrated by purchasing a box of tampons.

And what is approaching?

The closing of our house. Yet another great sex-inducing celebration.

And what else seems to be approaching?

Yep.

Exactly.

2 more days!!!

The house closing is just 2 days away (eeeee!) and we seem to be all set. The lender says she has everything she needs and our agent is calling their agent to schedule a final walk through.

So far, so good.

The closer it gets, the more excited Patrick gets and the more I want to vomit hah I just want to have the papers signed and be done with it. Once that's past, I'll relax.

We've started the whole what do we need and what would be cool. Like an automatic door closer for the door in the kitchen that goes down to the garage to make sure it swings shut.

In other news ...

My thoughts are with those who have betas today or in the next couple of days. Good luck, ladies! My prayers and happy vibes are with you.

Better able to move forward ...

Yesterday was ok.

I'm ok.

What I think about now are those in their 2ww. I wish them happy implantations.

It's strange, this trip through infertility. I hate the shots and the ultrasounds and bloodwork and multiple visits to the doctor. I hate having to finagle the money for the meds and the iui.

But the 2ww is kind of like being punch drunk.

You're hopeful, but terrified of being so. You analyze every physical blip and wonder if it's a good or bad thing. You check for soreness in your breasts so often that you wonder if the soreness is hormonal or just because you've been handling them so much.

Our RE did give us one more shot at the injections & iui before having to wave the white flag and move to IVF. The day I got the BFN and that news, I was not in a good place. My oldest nephew had just been murdered and his service was that night. My nerves were thin and raw as it was.

All I could think about was the "You can do another round of injections and iui if you want to, but then you'll have to move to invitro" comment. I felt defeated and worn down and all I could hear in my head were the words "you'll never have a baby of your own". We don't have any money left in our FSA account and that's what we used for our treatments, so the "one more" may as well have been "better luck next year!".

Now, almost a month later, I find my mind turning to the yearly bonus we usually get at work and wondering if we're going to get one this year. The thing is, it's usually enough to cover a cycle of treatments since all I have to pay for is the meds and the iui (my insurance company unwittingly pays for the office visits, bloodwork, and ultrasounds).

And I'm realizing I want to be there again. I want to be punch drunk with hope and excitement and fear.

I want that last chance.

This and that ...

Update:

Many thanks and much love to Katie. Her thoughtfulness is a gift beyond measure.

**** And now on to your regularly scheduled blog ****

I tried.

I tried to see if I was melancholy over today's date.

Amazingly enough, I'm not.

That's not to say it's not a sad passing. Because it is. I just thought I'd be a mess and I'm surprised I'm not.

Maybe that's what people mean when they talk about closure? Maybe now that the date is actually here, something's kicked in and it's more accepted than it was a few months ago.

I dunno ...

In other news - maybe I've just been too distracted ...

This house stuff is driving me bonkers. Really really bonkers.

I have my portion of the down payment. And the longer it sat in my account, the more I fretted over it.

You have to understand - I'm not the money person in this relationship. Patrick is so much better with money and finances than I am. I'm better than I was before; Patrick's been a great influence for that.

That and the stab of fear I'd feel every time I overspent and thought about having to tell him.

But I still fall in the Suckage range.

So having this money hanging out in my account has about driven me over the edge with worry that I'd over spend and end up short.

So this morning consisted of my reaching a frantic boiling point and insisting that money find another home.

After a few calls to our lender, and then a call from our lender, I went to the bank and had them print out a "this is her balance and this is the date" sheet and got a cashier's check for the amount.

On top of that, our lender has informed us that the sellers can't pay as much towards closing as we had agreed to due to some weird lending policy they have. So we will need to have additional money at closing that we weren't figuring in.

It sucks, but it's doable.

So I do feel calmer about the down payment. Of course I'm worried something else won't be right or dated properly or some other such shit, but so far it's ok.

In the middle ...

Yesterday was our first due date.

When we had our 6wk ultrasound with our RE, seeing our baby's heartbeat for the first time, she estimated a due date of October 23rd.

Tomorrow's our second due date.

Our first appointment with an actual OB, where we heard the heartbeat for the first time, estimated a due date of October 25th with a high resolution ultrasound.

I was a bit worried about the difference - one office measuring the baby 2 days behind another. But not enough to freak out. We attributed the difference to the different machines since the heartbeat was strong.

Two mornings later I was back in the OB's office, this time bleeding and carrying our baby, still inside its tiny amniotic sac, in a sandwich baggy in my purse. If I went by their estimate, I was exactly 7wks along.

I'll never be able to get the image of her little budding body out of my head. Nor the brief sight of the nurses staring into the container the nurse practitioner had put it in. I'm sure it's not every day someone brings in a complete amniotic sac with the embryo still floating inside, but I wanted to scream at them as the door closed.

And as much as I wish I could scrub my brain clean, I know it was the probably best thing I did that morning. The doctors testing our baby's chromosones let us know it was perfect, signaling a need to test me for yet more imperfections, and that it was a girl.

Not a day has gone by that I haven't thought about her. Knowing what milestone I would have passed and what milestone would be coming up next.

And instead of celebrating a birth, I'm faced with the final reality that a baby of our own is pretty much out of reach.

I'm not sure how I'll feel tomorrow morning. I know I'll wish her a silent happy birthday, but I don't know that I'll mark it any other way.

Or I may find that getting out of bed is beyond my ability.

October came a lot faster than I expected.

More thoughts of wood ...

Thank you guys so much for your feedback. And, of course, your willingness to put a link on your own blogs and to pass it around. You guys rock.

Patrick and I had talked about the shipping issues - how do you ship larger items, such as an end table or coffee table without it being a horribly high price? What we figured is that we'd offer smaller things for shipping and larger items for more local people so that they have the option of picking it up. Otherwise they'd have to have pay the shipping in addition to the cost of the item.

Which would suck for larger pieces.

We did talk about local sales - like fairs and craft shows. I want to put a sign up to let people know what the money is going to and maybe they'd be more inclined to buy something (no, I'm not above twinging someone's heart strings) or maybe even just make a donation, but Patrick doesn't want it to be that public.

I do figure that we'll have a paypal account set up on the web site for flat out donations. That way those that don't necessarily want to buy something can still do something if they want to.

And I have kind of wrestled with the idea of IVF vs adoption. I so want another chance at getting pregnant and, fingers crossed, carrying it to term. So maybe it'll first be for IVF and then adoption if that doesn't work? But then - will people still be willing to donate if they've already donated once?

So many questions. But it'll be a couple months before we're ready to take it on anyway. That'll give us plenty of time to smooth it all out so it's workable for us both.

In other news ...

There was no baby at the house when I got home last night. Thank God. And neither parental unit felt a need to talk to me about my behavior on Sunday. Which was good since I wasn't in the mood for a lecture and it wouldn't have been pretty.

Sucker punched ... and a question ...

Patrick and I spent a good portion of yesterday running around.

Sunday is normally my day to relax. I usually even stay in my pj's all day. But yesterday we spent the entire day running around. By mid-afternoon I was getting irritable, so we ended up skipping a couple stores and just picking up a couple of steaks for dinner. Which lightened my mood. We were going to home and I could finally relax and spend at least a few hours being lazy.

As we pulled into the driveway, we saw my step-sister's truck.

She was released from the hospital yesterday morning. I expected her and the family to head home. Nope. They headed here.

And there she sat, in the living room, breast feeding her 3 day old son.

I wish I could say I ran inside and snatched the baby up, to coo over him like everyone else. But I didn't. I simply said "Oh, I thought you'd be home in bed".

And then spent the rest of the evening on the back deck with a book. Even after they left, I sat out there until it was almost too dark to read anymore.

Which is probably wrong. It's at least rude, that much I can say. But I so wasn't expecting it. I wasn't prepared to come home to that. And I'm sure it pissed my step-mom off - she went to bed early and pretty much made no effort to talk to me. Which is how she gets when she's pissed and doesn't want to have an argument.

But damn ... someone could have called and warned me. But I'm sure no one thought a thing about it. I remember when my step-sister had her daughter - I was in the middle of treatments with my ex when she got pregnant and had her. When I walked into the hospital room, my step-sister joked "Now I'm never going to get to hold her" because the assumption was that I'd hold her and pretty much not give her back. It was all I could do to hold her for a few minutes before making an escape.

She's 10 now, by the way.

So last night sucked. Hard. I kept waiting for my dad to tell me I was being an asshole. He came out and sat down a couple times and I just waited for it. But he didn't. I'm sure it's just a matter of time, though, as she's now on maternity leave and will more than likely be here quite a bit over the next few weeks.

In other news, I need some opinions.

Since my RE has given us only one more shot at the inj/iui before moving to IVF and we don't have the money for said inj/iui, we've decided to put our efforts towards adoption. We've always been open to adopting, but figured we'd run the inj/iui course as long as possible. And since my insurance doesn't even touch IVF coverage, we're pretty much done trying to have our own.

But adoption is about as expensive as IVF.

My husband grew up working with wood and even owns his own portable sawmill. He spent several years making furniture and selling pieces here and there. He's done very well in the past and could probably make a living at it if we could afford the upstart costs.

Our thought is this - make and sell furniture or other pieces to raise money for adoption (although we could probably do that for IVF, too / instead). Yesterday we talked a bit about a way to do this - maybe making a web site and offering a limited number of things for various prices (he's sold things from $150 - $600 in the past). If we offer a few base pieces and get enough orders and he works at it most weekends, we may be able to raise the money within a year or so.

And that's what I need opinions on:

• Do you think it's a good, workable idea?
  
• If we built a web site, would you be willing to put a link to it on your own blog and pass it around to others?
  

I'm going to try and post a poll (I don't get all the options on this computer cuz it's craaaap). But I welcome any feedback you may have.

Argh ...

I went to work for a couple hours. Just long enough to do what I needed to do and head out.

I spent the rest of the day with my best gay, Marc.

We went to a local italian place for lunch - his roomie (non-sexual, btw) and good friend of mine is the bartender there. So we ate and hung out.

Then it was on to WalMart and back to his place. Where I napped for an hour or so.

And that was it. We watched last season's So You Think You Can Dance reruns, the one where Benji won. And sat in that comfy silence of long time friends.

I got home around 7:30. Even though I really didn't want to be here.

No stories of a baby told to me, but over the phone to a step-sibling. So here I sit, a book in my lap, staring at the computer screen and wishing we were already in our own place.

I think what makes it so hard is that they just don't get it. The only people in this house who acknowledge that I was pregnant at all is me and my husband. The rest? It's like it never happened. October 25th is still just another day to them. To us it's a big date.

The date.

But they - those around us - just go on like it never happened. And having my dad basically tell me, more than once, that I just need to get over it doesn't help. So he remembers. And has pertty much said it's not a big deal.

I think that's what makes this so much harder for me. They don't get and they make no efforts to try to get it.

And that makes it feel more like a lack of caring than a lack of understanding.

11 days never seemed to far away ...

My step-sister had her baby yesterday.

I felt ... detached.

I had a few moments of poor me this morning on the way into work (I have leftover work that needs to be done today), but overall ... it's like ... huh.

What brought those moments on was my dad finally mentioning it. That was all it took.

But it seems that her pregnancy may have been harder for me than the actual delivery, if that makes sense. Even though our own due date is just 5 days away.

I dunno. Maybe that's just how I feel right now. In a few minutes or hours I may feel completely different.

Although I plan to spend as much time away from the house or the folks as possible. There's no need to tempt the emotions.

It's almost 5 p.m. ...

Ah ... the almost end of a work week.

Today has been crazy. Not bad crazy, but more like funny crazy.

It's one of those days where I've been busy, but mainly because I've had to help cover the help desk line (the one our associates use if they have questions) and it's pretty much next to impossible to get anything else done as that line rings at least every couple minutes.

So I've been busy but not in a do my own work kind of way.

I'll probably need to come in tomorrow. Dernit.

HMFIC ...

I'm the only manager type person here today.

My motto: Try not to get fired.

So far so good.

About those news hires ...

I loved the comments. I had a good chuckle at a couple of them.

The reason is that I'm the trainer for our Customer Care department. So my main job is dealing with new hires. And it's one I actually enjoy. It can get hairy, though, as they're mine until they're out of their 90 day introductory period.

So that means lots of work as I've had a new hire class every month for the last 4 months. My last two classes, including my current one, was 4 people each.

The first 2 - 3 weeks is mostly classroom and buddy time. Coordinating their training time and materials, organizing what they learn and when, and keeping track of their time with their buddies and what they do and when.

Once they're (I keep typing 'their' even though I know it's wrong) on the floor, they still report to me. So I'm still responsible for their stats and quality reviews of their calls. 3 reviews a week. Where I listen to them, send the calls to them, make sure they have time to listen to the calls, and then spend about 30 mins with each to go over their calls and their current stats. I also have to keep up with their attendance and any additional training or reminders they may need. Then in 30 days, they get trained on another product line.

I'm also responsible for decisions based on their performance - do they continue with us or do we make the decision that they're not going to make it and let them go?

In the meantime, another class rolls in.

So tack on another training class to the one I'm still working with.

All the while I have to be able to recognize training opportunities for our other associates as well. While also working with our Leads to determine where we may need additional people in other product lines and get those people chosen and trained as well.

While updating and adding training material. And staying on top of new all the products that come out. According to our innovation team, they added 147 (or 174 ... I can't remember) new products this year alone. Some of those new products are just different versions of an original - such as a smaller or larger version of the same thing. But some of them are completely new.

Some days I'm so busy I'm not sure if I'm coming or going. Other days I can actually sit there and stare off into space. But those days are few and far between. Because if I fall behind, then my new hires suffer the consequences as it may mean someone doesn't get the direction they need.

So that's why I found it all so funny. Dealing with new hires can be maddening, that's for sure. But it's what I do.

Breathe in ... breathe out ...

14 minutes before 5pm and I need a breather.

I've been listening to calls all day.

And having to defend why I'm doing that and not helping someone out (even though I know that someone else needs the help - but that someone else also has a team-mate who's supposed to be helping).

And having training with new hires.

And one-on-ones.

And Patrick e-mailing me the name of the guy to call for home owner's insurance info (we want that insurance that pays off the house if one of us dies ... not that I'm planning anything that involves a bat and a landfill, mind you) because he was somehow under the impression that his version of busy was busier than my version of busy.

And in the last 3 minutes, I've had one person visit my desk for help and received 4 e-mails asking for assistance with something or other.

Girl doesn't have the time.

All I have to say about it all is ...

14 more days!!!

Tuesday, Tuesday ...

15 more days!

I picked up the inspection report last night and all is well. The only things we could ask for would be to have a few of the outlets updated to GFI. So that's what we're asking for. I'd much rather have them all GFI, especially in the kitchen, than not. And since the sellers agreed to do up to $500 in repairs, why not let them do it? I don't see updating the outlets costing anywhere near that, so I don't see them having an issue with it.

Yesterday someone asked how the baby making stuff was going. After replying "it's not", we chatted for a bit about the treatments and where we are.

And I realized it hasn't been in the front of my brain lately. With everything else going on (read: house buying), baby making has taken a back seat for a bit. And I'm ok with that. Not only am I ok with it, I'm actually enjoying not having to think about it.

I'm sure it'll come up once all this house madness has settled down and we're in our place and relaxed. But at least for now I'm enjoying the break.

Finding a happy place ...

October 25th would have been our due date. And as I watched my very pregnant step-sister slowly ride a 4 wheeler last night, I commented to my husband how nice it must be to be so secure in the knowledge that you'll deliver a healthy, live baby. In the back of my mind are her on and off contractions and the fact that there's a very good chance she'll deliver on what I see as "our" date.

If she does, I don't know that I'll be able to stand it.

So ... in the interest of staying in my happy place, I've devised a list of some things I'm looking forward to when we're in our own place:

Privacy. For the last 3 years, we've had absolutely no privacy. There's always someone here or about to be here and we're very rarely alone. Our bedroom is the only room in the house that offers any kind of privacy. And even that is kind of limited as it's right under the kitchen and there's always people about.

Having my fur kids with me again. Right now they all live outside - the dogs in kennels and the cats in a pretty damned decent cat house Patrick built when we moved here last year. Daniel, the youngest of our cats, slept with us every night starting the night we found his little kitten self in our driveway. He's been in the cat house for more than a year now. There were nights I missed his furry lil body something fierce. I can't say how much I'm looking forward to curling up with him again, even if it does mean having to remind him to leave Lucy (an old girl I've had 12 years) alone when he gives chase at some point in the middle of the night.

No game of 20 questions from those around us. For all the crap I share, I'm actually a pretty private person. Living with other people, especially parental units, means they always know what you're doing, where you're going, and what happened while you were out. I can't wait for the day when the only person I have to share that info with is my husband.

No stoned / drunken step-brother that talks non-stop about the same shit over and over when all you want to do is relax and watch tv or read a book.

Watching Hoss, my big boy, run around an actual yard again. I hate having him in a kennel, even if it is a large one. I'm really looking forward to letting him loose to run around without worry that he's going to run off or chase someone (he likes to chase things ... people ... other animals ... that run).

I can wear any type of pajamas I want. With other people in the house, you have to be kind of careful about what you wear - especially if you have large boobs. Which I do. So any pj's with straps are out.

Leaving my clothes in the dryer for 2 days if I want. Or using the washer when I want and then drying our clothes on my schedule instead of someone else's. 5 people in one house makes for a hectic and confusing laundry schedule. There's always someone washing or drying something, so you need to get your shit out quickly. In our own place, it'll be just our stuff and our timetable.

Speaking of laundry ... towels. Patrick and I don't go through a lot of towels. But summers in a home with a pool and nieces & nephews and other random family members make for a lot of towel usage. Especially since they use the towels in the upstairs bathroom. Which is the bathroom we use and the towels we use. Which means when the clean towel supply gets low, somehow I get fingered for that washing duty. Even if I used the pool only twice (which is true - new bathing suit and I used it twice all summer). If I never hear "You need to wash some towels, girl" again, it'll be too soon.

Silence. Not complete silence, as I do like the radio or the tv as background noise sometimes. But no other voices. As I sit here, one niece is playing with her dolls behind me with a constant chatter, my step-mom and the swollen belly step-sister are in the next room, and my step-brother just came upstairs and is talking to them about something or other. It can be quite maddening.

Ok - I'll say it ... Sex when we want and where we want. We won't have to worry about someone hearing or suspecting or, God help, interrupting. If we find the mood hits and we're in the living room, well then close the drapes and romp away. No more biting my tongue when someone says "Why are you going to bed so early?".

I think those are the main things. At least those are the things that have been popping into my head fairly regularly the last few days.

Don't mess with Rambo ...

We had our house inspection this morning. And from what I can tell, I don't think it went bad at all. The inspector commented that it was easier on a smaller home (the first home had about 600 more sq ft to it) that was in better condition. This inspection took just under 2 hours, unlike the first house that took just over 3.

I'll take that as a good sign.

So Patrick and I hung out for the duration, chatting and joking around with our realtor. We even felt so good about it that we stopped at Home Depot and picked up some of those paint color books they have that show coordinated colors and such for various rooms. We also talked about things we're going to do that we haven't been able to -- like I want to be able to walk from the bathroom to our bedroom without having to dress first and he's going to spend 4 hours in the 1/2 bath without worrying that someone else will need to use it (hah).

Arlene - when you're ready for a house inspection, make sure Johnny gives you William's phone number. He'll give you a few to choose from, but take his recommendation and call William. Not only does he do an awesome job, but he gives a discount if you need a 2nd inspection. He's worried a failed inspection will cause people to be less likely to have another house inspected for fear it won't pass. So he cut us a break on this one.

And when we got home, WWIII broke out. Really. It wasn't pretty and there was, literally, some bloodshed. Not mine. Not Patrick's. But there were several minutes of shouting, pushing, wrestling, and a few thrown punches.

I blame that last bit on my nephew's murder and the anger it's caused.

What I can say for sure is ... girl isn't afraid to get into the mix of things hah My ass was off the couch in a heartbeat. And although I was smart enough to not get in the middle until they fell over (you don't stick your hand between two fighting dogs, do you?), I ended up emeshed between two very angry bodies.

So go me. If for no reason other than I'm a tard who could have gotten herself hurt. But at least I'm still a partially badass tard *grin*

Random Facts are Fun!

I've been tagged! I've never been tagged before. But Katie broke my tag cherry (bahaha) and here I am!

Ok ... let's see ...

1) Unlike Katie, I love spiders. Really. I love their webs and the way they move. Did you know that most web builders are female? Most male species of spiders will sneak onto a web to steal food and then jet off. Many don't make it out alive. Speaking of ... it's not just the praying mantis that eats the male after intercourse. Many others will as well, so sex for the male spider is quite dangerous. It's just more proof that men will do anything to get laid *grin*

2) I love Barry Manilow. And I take quite a beating over it, too, I might add. I grew up listening to his music since my mom was always a fan, so I think it's somewhat ingrained. But I once spent several weeks looking for a CD version of an album my mom had when I was a kid.

3) I was a complete tomboy as a kid and my best friend was a boy that lived across the street. I wasn't a sport playing sort of tomboy. I was more the tree climbing, car playing, roll around in the dirt kind. Although I still loved to play house. And I was always getting into fights with boys. As in - fist fights. I thought nothing of duking it out and, as awful as this may sound, actually looked forward to it.

4) The vast majority of my friends are gay men. I'm like a 'mo magnet. Even when not trying, I'm usually drawn to the one homo in a crowd. Case in point - I went somewhere with some people (there was alcohol involved so it's kind of fuzzy - all I know is that it was downtown in some city I'm not familiar with hah) and managed to get separated from my group (I have a tendency to wander). The one person I ended up talking to turned out to be gay. I kid my best friend (gay!) all the time that I can't escape. Truth be told - I wouldn't trade any of them for a puppy. Even if that puppy came fully trained and house broken. I love my moes. So much so that my wedding party was 2 of my best gays. Not a single female stood up for me. I referred to my best friend as my bitch of honor. hah.

5) I have a hard time buying clothes. Not because of fit, but because of money. It's not unusual for me to find something I like, carry it around the store a while, and then put it back and walk out. Paying more than $15 for just about anything makes my eyes bleed. It's not that I don't want to - there's lots of cute things I'd like to have. I just can't get past paying the amount the store thinks I should. So I usually only buy stuff if it's dirt cheap or on sale ... for dirt cheap. And the times I do splurge, I feel guilty and usually find a reason to return it. Needless to say, I don't buy new clothes very often.

6) But I will spend money on some dinner! Isn't that odd? I love going out to dinner and don't think anything of dropping $40 for a meal. And it's money I usually don't regret spending. I don't know why the difference, especially since dinner won't last anywhere near as long as a new top or some jeans. It's strange, I know.

7) My 15 minutes of fame was done and over with by the time I was 7 or 8. My mom worked at this place in Bolingbrook, IL called Old Chicago. It was this huge indoor mall with an indoor theme park with rides. They even had a roller coaster. And a stage. Performers of the day would come in for small concerts - from Potsie of Happy Days to Chuck Berry to Kenny Rogers. My mom had something to do with the security or dressing rooms or something with the guests and I was allowed to run around behind the stage. Somewhere there is a photo album with pictures of a very young Angie doing the limbo on stage with Chubby Checker, being carried around a dressing room on Chuck Berry's shoulders, and sitting with Dottie West (how's that for old school country?). Oh and I have a clear memory of running into Willie Ames's naked chest (he was hot in his 8 Is Enough days!) when he and his lil teen band came through. Since that time, though, I haven't met any famous people.

Last but not least ...

8) Ok so I had something else in here, but I have co-workers that read this and they probably don't need that lil snippet of info. So to replace it - I'm a total celebrity gossip whore. I'm not obsessive, but I'm usually pretty up to date on the latest happenings. One of my fave places is tmz.com and then eonline.com. People.com caters to celebrities and that drives me crazy, so I usually only go there for fluffy stuff. I also sub to a few celeb blogs, like Rosie O'Donnell (luv her!) and Ross the Intern (Marc, my best gay, said "He's so gay, he started talking and a prada purse fell out of his mouth").

And there ya have it! No lightning bolt revelations, but a bit more about me than you maybe already knew.

So, in keeping with tradition, I now tag infertilityjustsucks and Kristen to carry the torch.

My brain is out to lunch ...

Here it is, Thursday, and I'm exhausted. I really don't have a good reason for it, either.

The home inspection is Saturday morning. Patrick and I are both really excited. We have a meeting with the lender after work to turn in the documents she needs. So far, so good.

I don't think I'll truly relax until we're handed the keys, though. Until then, I'll be nervous as all.

There is no more action in the baby arena. My period was here, but barely. And it's holding on. But barely. It's more of an irritant than anything else.

With all the house stuff going on, at least I haven't had much time to contemplate the next uterine step. So at least there's that.

I'm sorry I don't have a 'real' update today. I can't seem to put more than a few thoughts together at a time.

More house chatter ...

I was mistaken. This period isn't being the bitch I thought it was. Oh sure, it yelled and cursed and caused many a cramp, but the pain was quickly over and the bleeding just isn't there. There's some, but it's so much lighter than I'm use to.

So yay for that.

I did something to my laptop. The text is different in here and in e-mail. Weird.

We have our figures and all that from the lender. We have our agreement from the sellers saying they'll pay us rent (really ... rent!) if they need to stay in the house an extra week. Now we just need to settle on a title company, get our papers for the lending company, and we're ready to sit back and wait for closing.

Well, not sit back really. Because I'll stress the money up to the last minute. Then I'll stress the money until we've made our first house payment.

I'm really excited, though. This place has so much going for it that the first placed didn't.

The neighborhood alone is a vast improvement. The yard, being a corner lot, is huge. Huge. And the whole back yard is fenced in. And it has a deck - not a large one, but large enough. But that back yard ... Lord ... you can't get much better than that back yard.

And I like the layout. Most new homes these days are all open airy, which can be a really good thing. But I also like rooms. With walls. So maybe I want to sit in the kitchen and not have to stare at or hear the tv. But it's not all the way down a hall, either. It's right there. So I could if I wanted to.

And there's a man cave - the 1 car garage / workshop in the basement. Patrick has an escape should he get tired of looking at my face (although I can't imagine why he would hah).

It all just feels so ... grownup.

Wax on, wax off ...

One house out, another signed for.

We have a signed agreement with the owners of the first house we looked at on Saturday. They countered with a bit of a higher sale price, but left the full closing coverage we'd asked for. And they didn't counter as high as we thought they would, so we're actually pretty pleased with it.

One thing I have noticed through this process is the amount of advice you get. Don't get me wrong - most of it's good stuff to know. But sometimes ... oy ... My dad, for instance - he seems to be of the mind that if the sellers counter, you counter even lower than your first offer. He's mentioned this with both houses - "I would have said fuck 'em and offered even less!". I said ... "it's a good thing you're not the one buying the house, then, isn't it?".

My dad seems to have reached that age where you begin to wonder if he's all there.

In other news ...

My step-sister, the one due 5 days (I thought it was 2 weeks, turns out it was just 5 days) after our expected due date has started having contractions.

I did the math and this is what I discovered - at each new milestone for her and her baby, I've been bleeding:

• She saw and heard the heartbeat for the first time - I was still bleeding from our miscarriage.
• She found out the sex - I had just started my period.
• She's having contractions - I just came out of a failed cycle and started my period.

It's like my body has this weird psychic thing going on. Someone getting good baby action? Uterus, start your engine!

I was hoping she'd hold out until we had moved, but her baby has shitty timing. You'd think he'd have consulted my calendar first.

Yesterday felt like a Sunday ...

Between the heparin and baby aspirin, I thought my period would be easier since both are anticoagulates. More flow, less clotting and cramping.

Wrong.

This period is being a bitch.

With buying a house, one of the things I found myself saying was "It's not like we're going to have a passel of kids".

That was one of my things - If we're having kids, we need a larger home. But my body hates all things reproductive and the plural of kid probably isn't going to happen.

But I also pointed out that owning our own place will help with adoption. We can get started on home visits and such. How we'll pay for adoption, I don't know. But it's more of an option these days than it was before. So I still look at the neighborhood and the schools in the area when considering a home.

One of the things that has made this past week so difficult was the news that we get only one more round with injections / iui. Having to move to IVF pretty much puts a death knell on our treatments. I really did think our RE would go a few rounds with the heparin since, at least statistically, it'd take a few rounds to work. Especially considering we did get pregnant on our previous cycle, before the MTHFR problem was found. It felt like the rug was pulled out from under me when she said one more go and then we need to move on to IVF. I wasn't expecting that statement.

And I still don't know if I want to go through that last round. Sure, it's a chance. And maybe it'd work. But that whole cycle? I'd be bat-shit crazy. And if it fails ... devastation wouldn't even begin to cover it.

Maybe it's a control thing.

In other news -

Our realtor called last night to let us know he'd faxed our offer and the seller's agent was on her way to their home to go over the figures. We didn't hear anything after that, but I expect that we will this morning.

I still want to plant a tree ...

I spoke to my sister last night. They're all ... there. Various shows of sorrow in their home range from pretending everything is normal to out right anger. Everyone handling it in their own way while the earth keeps spinning and the sun continues to rise.

We cancelled the viewing we scheduled for last night. One of my co-workers said "that area is known as drive-by Eastside" and that was all I needed to hear.

Our realtor drove us all over North Knox and Halls today, though. I think we saw a total of 5 houses.

One house didn't have a back door - it had a door next to the garage door, downstairs. I was like - I'm so not going to walk up and down 2 flights of stairs (it's a split foyer so you have to either go up or down from the front door) to let dogs in and out. One house has been completely redone and is really nice, but it has absolutely no storage and the backyard was tiny and mostly uphill.

There was one house we were amazed is scheduled for a showing tomorrow. It's empty and being painted and such, but it's really not in a show condition. That one was chopped up pretty strangely, too.

Patrick really liked the last one we saw - it has a huge lot and a lot of it has been redone, including a new A/C unit that was kicking the heat's ass. But while he was seeing the extra room, the full unfinished basement, and the huge lot that's already mostly fenced in, I was seeing the weird layout, the tiny bedrooms, and the extra work we'd need to do to make sure the fence is smaller dog safe. That and it's right off the interstate and is generally noisy.

The first house, though, is what we kept going back to. Figuratively, that is. It's on the smallish side, but it's move-in ready. It has 3 beds, 1 1/2 baths, a nice kitchen, new carpet, new paint, a 1 car garage with more space that's a workshop type area, and a full sized laundry room in the basement. Plus it's a large corner lot with a fully fenced in back yard, back deck, and a shed. It also has a large, 1 yr old A/C unit and new vinyl siding. And it's in a great neighborhood with really nice houses and well kept lawns. We arrived a bit early and drove around, impressed the entire time.

So we've made an offer.

I really do adore our realtor. He's so funny. He bought us lunch while filling out the paperwork and I had a good laugh at his Superman wallet. Really. The guy has a Superman wallet!

And now we wait. We did lowball it a bit, but we'll see. Our main concern has to do with the closing costs. We're trying to be careful, though - they've already come down 10,000 on their original asking price, 5 grand of that in just the last few days.

My week in review ... aka ... pity party, table for one ..

I'm having a rough week and I still don't feel anywhere near like my normal self. So I thought I'd type up a what's what in why Angie feels like shit.

Let's see ...

Monday afternoon I got another BFN and the news that we can have one more go with injections and iui and then we need to move to IVF. Enter pretty much continuous thoughts of - I'm never going to know what it's like to carry a baby to term and give birth. Enter other thoughts of how low our chances are of getting to hear our parents tell stories about our kids instead of those of our siblings. (before anyone asks - IVF is way outside of our realm of being able to afford)

Monday evening was my nephew's service. I'm now finding what use to be my enjoyable alone time in my car is now rather maddening as my thoughts turn to my nephew. It's one thing to not see him often but still know he's ok and something completely different to know I'm never going to see him again.

Tuesday evening we got the inspection report on the house we were wanting to buy. Enter more thoughts of ... ugh. I also inadvertantly hurt my cousin's feelings, causing her to storm out of the house and refuse to come back until I had left for work the next morning. Which means I didn't get to say bye since they left not long after I did. Guilt be thy middle name.

Wednesday I realized exactly how far behind I was falling at work. I've taken several hours and 2 days off since last Wednesday and that means a lot of my work didn't get done. Which affects other people. Let's just pile on more guilt.

Yesterday I was able to secure a couple of viewings on other homes - one for tonight and a few for Saturday. There's worry a couple are in unpleasant areas. I was also able to easily get back into my jeans. No more bloating - a definite sign my ovaries are back to normal and my uterus isn't trying to support a damned thing.

Today ... well ... It just seems like I could sleep for days even though I'm not especially tired. I still haven't gotten my period but nothing's sore or swollen. I'm even sorry to see the bruising on my belly starting to fade. For as much as I complained about it, at least the bruising meant something might be happening.

And what's even more warped? My nephew's on / off girlfriend (not the loony that helped get him killed) is pregnant and her family is pressuring her to put it up for adoption. On the way to work I had the wonder of (and here's the warped part) - what if Patrick and I were to offer to adopt it? It'd keep it in the family and give us a baby at the same time. But the reality of doing that would prove next to impossible due to family issues - no matter how much it was ours, my sister and her oldest daughter would never really let it be ours.

I think this is what depression feels like, but I'm not sure. I battled it in my teens, but I'm generally an optimistic person. There's just so much crammed in my head right now. I'm not use to this kind of feeling - this general blahness. I feel like the last 10 days have put me through the ringer and thrown me way off course.

And I know it'll get better. It'll take time and I'll feel better. I've just never been known for my patience.

The murderers apparently told the police what they did with the weapon.

I hope they all suffer. Really. I do. I know it's not the "right" line of thinking, but I'm nowhere near a place of forgiveness.

I doubt that I will be for a long long time.

The decision ...

... has been made.

We're walking away from the house.

Patrick and I did some back and forth via e-mail and one phone call. We both agree the house is beautiful and the location is convenient.

But the seller and her agent have made this whole process a huge pain in the ass. And with the roof needing to be replaced ASAP, neither of us see her suddenly coming up with the cash or agreeing to a lower purchase price (so we could still finance the same amount but use the difference for the roof, for example).

I called our realtor and left him a fairly lengthy voice mail, giving him our thoughts and asking for his. His reply was that he was in complete agreement.

So ... our agent is filling out, scanning, and e-mailing the agreement to me. I'll send it on to Patrick who will print it, sign it, and fax it back to me. I'll sign it, scan it, and send it back to Johnny.

Patrick keeps asking to make sure I'm sure and I am. While I don't mind some small repairs, we don't need the level of stress this house seems to be bringing.

In other news - Johnny's already working on getting us a viewing for another house.

So take that, hateful ugly homeowner!