My week in review ... aka ... pity party, table for one ..

I'm having a rough week and I still don't feel anywhere near like my normal self. So I thought I'd type up a what's what in why Angie feels like shit.

Let's see ...

Monday afternoon I got another BFN and the news that we can have one more go with injections and iui and then we need to move to IVF. Enter pretty much continuous thoughts of - I'm never going to know what it's like to carry a baby to term and give birth. Enter other thoughts of how low our chances are of getting to hear our parents tell stories about our kids instead of those of our siblings. (before anyone asks - IVF is way outside of our realm of being able to afford)

Monday evening was my nephew's service. I'm now finding what use to be my enjoyable alone time in my car is now rather maddening as my thoughts turn to my nephew. It's one thing to not see him often but still know he's ok and something completely different to know I'm never going to see him again.

Tuesday evening we got the inspection report on the house we were wanting to buy. Enter more thoughts of ... ugh. I also inadvertantly hurt my cousin's feelings, causing her to storm out of the house and refuse to come back until I had left for work the next morning. Which means I didn't get to say bye since they left not long after I did. Guilt be thy middle name.

Wednesday I realized exactly how far behind I was falling at work. I've taken several hours and 2 days off since last Wednesday and that means a lot of my work didn't get done. Which affects other people. Let's just pile on more guilt.

Yesterday I was able to secure a couple of viewings on other homes - one for tonight and a few for Saturday. There's worry a couple are in unpleasant areas. I was also able to easily get back into my jeans. No more bloating - a definite sign my ovaries are back to normal and my uterus isn't trying to support a damned thing.

Today ... well ... It just seems like I could sleep for days even though I'm not especially tired. I still haven't gotten my period but nothing's sore or swollen. I'm even sorry to see the bruising on my belly starting to fade. For as much as I complained about it, at least the bruising meant something might be happening.

And what's even more warped? My nephew's on / off girlfriend (not the loony that helped get him killed) is pregnant and her family is pressuring her to put it up for adoption. On the way to work I had the wonder of (and here's the warped part) - what if Patrick and I were to offer to adopt it? It'd keep it in the family and give us a baby at the same time. But the reality of doing that would prove next to impossible due to family issues - no matter how much it was ours, my sister and her oldest daughter would never really let it be ours.

I think this is what depression feels like, but I'm not sure. I battled it in my teens, but I'm generally an optimistic person. There's just so much crammed in my head right now. I'm not use to this kind of feeling - this general blahness. I feel like the last 10 days have put me through the ringer and thrown me way off course.

And I know it'll get better. It'll take time and I'll feel better. I've just never been known for my patience.