Remember how I said I'd go into more work-related detail if I was home early on Monday?
Well, I'm home.
The short version is that I was fired. Terminated. Given the good ol' heave ho.
Let me say this up front - for those that I worked with, please don't expect me to start bashing my manager because I won't. It doesn't mean that I'm a fuck up or that I didn't do a damned good job or that I don't feel like I got a serious ass-fucking without any foreplay. It just means I'm going to try like hell to not add fodder to the whispers that already run rampant in that department.
So on to the show ...
I can't say I didn't see it coming. Although the only reason I didn't quit was because I love the company I worked for. The benefits are good, the pay is better than average for this area, and most of the people truly care about each other.
But my manager and I rarely saw eye to eye on how my position should work.
It's been a struggle for me since July / August. And my long-time readers should remember what it was like for me in October and then Dec - January. I wasn't sleeping, I was exhausted all the time, and I was a flat-out bitch most days.
Those days were very much back and forth. One time I was doing great, the next I wasn't. And then it was just pretty much I sucked.
And I can't tell you how many times I've started and stopped job searches over the last few months. April would have marked my 5th year anniversary with that company. So I was hesitant to take up elsewhere.
Hell ... when I talked to my manager on the 25th (this past Thursday, folks) because I was concerned that she didn't hold to the daily meetings we had scheduled, I was told I was doing a good job and that I had nothing to worry about.
Yeah.
I can say I did as good a job as I'm capable of with the direction I was given. I can say I worked my ass off - between almost a class a month, QRs, weekly reviews, and other work I was given, I was very busy (even though I was told at one point that her belief was that I did nothing when I was at my desk).
She just didn't agree.
And there you have it.
I will say that I am getting a decent severance package. Granted, I had to promise not to sue. But it means I'll be getting about a couple month's worth of pay, so I don't have to run right out and find something tomorrow.
Although I'm not exactly sure what I'm going to do with tomorrow.
Monday, March 31, 2008
Friday, March 28, 2008
Work in progress ...
Open communication has always been a challenge for me.
Growing up Angie included repeatedly being told I was exaggerating, things weren't that important, suck it up, and "the only person in life you can ever really rely on is yourself".
Emotions outside of happy were met with accusations of acting like a baby and instructions to just get over it. The words went hand in hand with looks of disdain, impatience, and, not infrequently, mockery. And if a normal tone of voice didn't cut it, the yelling would start.
I learned very early it was much safer to keep your feelings to yourself.
Which is something I continue to struggle with.
My problems from the other day stem from my inability to be The Great Communicator. My fear of being met with anger or irritation is a hold-over from my upbringing that I find next to impossible to shake.
Which would probably seem weird to those that really know me. I usually don't care if I piss someone off. Sometimes I've even been known to do it on purpose.
But when it comes to those close to me, those that can easily twist a knife if they want to, my first instinct is to prevent it by keeping my mouth shut completely.
Which isn't the answer.
It's something I know will always be a constant struggle, but something I'm workin on.
Growing up Angie included repeatedly being told I was exaggerating, things weren't that important, suck it up, and "the only person in life you can ever really rely on is yourself".
Emotions outside of happy were met with accusations of acting like a baby and instructions to just get over it. The words went hand in hand with looks of disdain, impatience, and, not infrequently, mockery. And if a normal tone of voice didn't cut it, the yelling would start.
I learned very early it was much safer to keep your feelings to yourself.
Which is something I continue to struggle with.
My problems from the other day stem from my inability to be The Great Communicator. My fear of being met with anger or irritation is a hold-over from my upbringing that I find next to impossible to shake.
Which would probably seem weird to those that really know me. I usually don't care if I piss someone off. Sometimes I've even been known to do it on purpose.
But when it comes to those close to me, those that can easily twist a knife if they want to, my first instinct is to prevent it by keeping my mouth shut completely.
Which isn't the answer.
It's something I know will always be a constant struggle, but something I'm workin on.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Attack mode ...
I know the signs.
The suddenly racing heart and shortness of breath, the sweaty palms, the urge to vomit.
I've been through many a panic attack.
In times past, I knew the cause and I knew the solution was to wait them out. They would wreak havoc for several minutes and then pass.
This time I know the cause, but I don't know the solution.
I get hit and immediately acknowledge it, only to have it amp up. Thinking about it only makes them worse, not better. Along with the urge to vomit is the new want to curl into ball and ... well ... bawl, along with a healthy dose of fear.
Waiting them out doesn't seem to be the answer. I've been waiting this one out for more than a half hour now and it's showing no signs of slowing down.
My system seems to have gone into attack mode and my own body and psyche are the targets.
The suddenly racing heart and shortness of breath, the sweaty palms, the urge to vomit.
I've been through many a panic attack.
In times past, I knew the cause and I knew the solution was to wait them out. They would wreak havoc for several minutes and then pass.
This time I know the cause, but I don't know the solution.
I get hit and immediately acknowledge it, only to have it amp up. Thinking about it only makes them worse, not better. Along with the urge to vomit is the new want to curl into ball and ... well ... bawl, along with a healthy dose of fear.
Waiting them out doesn't seem to be the answer. I've been waiting this one out for more than a half hour now and it's showing no signs of slowing down.
My system seems to have gone into attack mode and my own body and psyche are the targets.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Of words and wisdom ...
Although you probably couldn't tell from here, I have a pretty good grasp of the English language. I'm a stickler for rules of wording (such as when to use we or I / were or was) and am a horrible grammar nazi. I scored seriously high in the English portion of the ACT (it was so long ago). So high that it more than made up for my seriously low math and science scores. Yes, the one category made up for 2 others. That high.
Several years ago, there was a place called ThemeStream where people wrote. Not like a blog, although I'm sure some used it for that purpose. But most wrote stories, articles, poems, and the like.
I wrote, turning normal happenings into (what I hoped was) witty commentary. Nothing major, but it took work to tell stories about my life without sounding mundane.
I'm not good at writing fiction. I don't do scenery or descriptions of people well. I tried a couple of times and they were flat. So the things I wrote about really were just daily things that I did what I could to turn into more than a grocery list.
But I enjoyed the writing I did. Sometimes it was just for the sake of writing and other times it was because I needed an outlet.
ThemeStream closed down, but I continued writing for a time. Those writings were straight catharsis with nothing fun about them at all.
After a time of that, I stopped completely.
ThemeStream came to mind earlier today. I wasn't thinking about writing; it was just one of those thoughts that seemed to pop up out of nowhere.
I remembered how much I enjoyed writing and how even the non-cathartic stories were still cathartic in their own way. I didn't care if I was given feedback or not. I wrote to write.
I wrote for myself.
I think I'm going to start again. I can't say I'll do it here because I don't know that I will.
But I feel a pull to start writing again.
Several years ago, there was a place called ThemeStream where people wrote. Not like a blog, although I'm sure some used it for that purpose. But most wrote stories, articles, poems, and the like.
I wrote, turning normal happenings into (what I hoped was) witty commentary. Nothing major, but it took work to tell stories about my life without sounding mundane.
I'm not good at writing fiction. I don't do scenery or descriptions of people well. I tried a couple of times and they were flat. So the things I wrote about really were just daily things that I did what I could to turn into more than a grocery list.
But I enjoyed the writing I did. Sometimes it was just for the sake of writing and other times it was because I needed an outlet.
ThemeStream closed down, but I continued writing for a time. Those writings were straight catharsis with nothing fun about them at all.
After a time of that, I stopped completely.
ThemeStream came to mind earlier today. I wasn't thinking about writing; it was just one of those thoughts that seemed to pop up out of nowhere.
I remembered how much I enjoyed writing and how even the non-cathartic stories were still cathartic in their own way. I didn't care if I was given feedback or not. I wrote to write.
I wrote for myself.
I think I'm going to start again. I can't say I'll do it here because I don't know that I will.
But I feel a pull to start writing again.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Is it Saturday yet?
It's been a hell of a week already and it's only Tuesday.
I'm not sure what's happening on the work front. I may post more about it on Monday. If I don't, assume it's somehow worked out.
Sunday was a hard day for me. Patrick and I went to my dad & step-mom's house for Easter dinner and I knew that my step-sister and her family would be there. The step-sister of John Deere insanity and a son born right around my due date.
I thought I was prepared. I had yet to hold my nephew and had decided that Sunday would be the day.
It wasn't.
Just walking into that house with all of its baby things and baby talk sucks the energy out of me. And all of my resolve flew out the window. But I'm going to have to force myself to do something. My step-sister and her husband are buying the rest of my dad & step-mom's property and building a house. So they're going to be there. All the time.
I'm going to have to just do it.
Although I'm not exactly sure how.
I'm not sure what's happening on the work front. I may post more about it on Monday. If I don't, assume it's somehow worked out.
Sunday was a hard day for me. Patrick and I went to my dad & step-mom's house for Easter dinner and I knew that my step-sister and her family would be there. The step-sister of John Deere insanity and a son born right around my due date.
I thought I was prepared. I had yet to hold my nephew and had decided that Sunday would be the day.
It wasn't.
Just walking into that house with all of its baby things and baby talk sucks the energy out of me. And all of my resolve flew out the window. But I'm going to have to force myself to do something. My step-sister and her husband are buying the rest of my dad & step-mom's property and building a house. So they're going to be there. All the time.
I'm going to have to just do it.
Although I'm not exactly sure how.
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Exceedingly boring ...
In my last post, I mentioned the blooming trees in our sub-division.
I think the main ones coming into the neighborhood are Dogwood trees. Although the images I find online don't really match what I'm seeing out of our windows. These are much fuller, rounder, than the images I'm finding. I still think they're Dogwood, but I should probably ask someone who'd know.
Edit: Patrick is right. They're bradford pears, not Dogwoods.
The smaller trees and plants in our own yard are coming to life, too.
Our side yard has 4 trees planted several feet apart from each other -
There is a small tree that's bloomed some pretty, white flowers. No idea what it is.
There's another small tree near that one that's blooming bright, yellow leaves. Again, no idea what it is.
Down a few feet is a small magnolia. No flowers yet, but the color of them when they bloom should give me a clue as to which version it is. Magnolias have leaves year round and the leaves usually look the same from type to type, so those aren't any help at all.
There's another small tree, a bit larger and more mature than the others, a down from the magnolia and it's starting to bud ... I think. I haven't gone to take a closer look, but it looks like there's some nubs on the branches.
Our back yard has 2 large trees that are standing there and doing a bunch of nothing. One is definitely full grown and the other ... no clue. Not much action happening with either of them.
There's a small japanese red maple near the back corner in full view of our deck. If it can survive Hoss removing branches, I think it'll be really pretty when it blooms. It's still small, though, so it won't be as big as in the pictures on that link.
Then we have the leaning tower of a pussy willow that's right off our deck. From what I can find (and I was able to discover what it was thanks to google), it's a grafted tree. I don't know what that means, but our tree has a much thicker trunk and thicker branches than the pictures I can find. It's a very full tree and about 4 - 5 ft tall. But I do know it's male as right now the fuzzy white things have grown yellow pollen stems.
This tree grew funny from the roots, so the trunk is at an angle and a couple of really windy storms have all but toppled it. It needs to be replanted before it dies. Although I do think some branches have already made their exits as there are absolutely no blooms on them. Either that or the dogs conspired to eat the fuzzy white blooms so those branches just look dead. I'll have to take a closer look at it. When it's standing upright again, that is.
Like I said, the 2 large shade trees in the back have yet to bud anything. I thought they were, but closer inspection proved me wrong. I consider them lazy compared to the rest of the foilage.
Along the back of the house, there's a few plants that I recognize but I don't really know what they are. I recognize them, though, because I know I've seen gobs of them in the garden sections of various stores. Those never really went away, though. Their leaves and flowers held on through the winter. Now they're just larger versions.
There are a couple of plants that I don't recognize. When we moved in, there were long stems with some dead, flowery things at the top. Marc said something about thornless cactus or something. I don't know. All I know is he said I have to pull the dead stems if I want more to grow. Which I did. And discovered a thick plant with waxy, dark green leaves growing. Those have gotten a bit larger in the last couple of weeks, but no new stem growth. I think I'm going to just wait and see what happens with those two. As long as they don't grow enough to try and take over other areas, they can stay.
Around front are some tuplips. Marc said something about them being not your normal tulips and called them something (are you guys getting the hint that gardening just isn't my thing?). And they don't look like average tuplips with the typical scoop tops. They're this pretty yellow and red color and have bloomed wide open with sharper leaves. If that makes sense.
There are some other flowers out front that I, once again, have no idea about. But they're blooming, too.
So most of my yard has the idea that spring is pretty much at hand. I wish they'd tell the shade trees, though. Hoss's dog house is positioned in the yard where it'll get sun during the cold, but that also means it gets sun when it's warm. And while it's insulated and never fully exposed, I imagine the front can get pretty warm to something covered in fur. The largest shade tree would help with that quite a bit.
And that's it. Exceedingly boring as promised, but not bad for a Sunday morning.
I think the main ones coming into the neighborhood are Dogwood trees. Although the images I find online don't really match what I'm seeing out of our windows. These are much fuller, rounder, than the images I'm finding. I still think they're Dogwood, but I should probably ask someone who'd know.
Edit: Patrick is right. They're bradford pears, not Dogwoods.
The smaller trees and plants in our own yard are coming to life, too.
Our side yard has 4 trees planted several feet apart from each other -
There is a small tree that's bloomed some pretty, white flowers. No idea what it is.
There's another small tree near that one that's blooming bright, yellow leaves. Again, no idea what it is.
Down a few feet is a small magnolia. No flowers yet, but the color of them when they bloom should give me a clue as to which version it is. Magnolias have leaves year round and the leaves usually look the same from type to type, so those aren't any help at all.
There's another small tree, a bit larger and more mature than the others, a down from the magnolia and it's starting to bud ... I think. I haven't gone to take a closer look, but it looks like there's some nubs on the branches.
Our back yard has 2 large trees that are standing there and doing a bunch of nothing. One is definitely full grown and the other ... no clue. Not much action happening with either of them.
There's a small japanese red maple near the back corner in full view of our deck. If it can survive Hoss removing branches, I think it'll be really pretty when it blooms. It's still small, though, so it won't be as big as in the pictures on that link.
Then we have the leaning tower of a pussy willow that's right off our deck. From what I can find (and I was able to discover what it was thanks to google), it's a grafted tree. I don't know what that means, but our tree has a much thicker trunk and thicker branches than the pictures I can find. It's a very full tree and about 4 - 5 ft tall. But I do know it's male as right now the fuzzy white things have grown yellow pollen stems.
This tree grew funny from the roots, so the trunk is at an angle and a couple of really windy storms have all but toppled it. It needs to be replanted before it dies. Although I do think some branches have already made their exits as there are absolutely no blooms on them. Either that or the dogs conspired to eat the fuzzy white blooms so those branches just look dead. I'll have to take a closer look at it. When it's standing upright again, that is.
Like I said, the 2 large shade trees in the back have yet to bud anything. I thought they were, but closer inspection proved me wrong. I consider them lazy compared to the rest of the foilage.
Along the back of the house, there's a few plants that I recognize but I don't really know what they are. I recognize them, though, because I know I've seen gobs of them in the garden sections of various stores. Those never really went away, though. Their leaves and flowers held on through the winter. Now they're just larger versions.
There are a couple of plants that I don't recognize. When we moved in, there were long stems with some dead, flowery things at the top. Marc said something about thornless cactus or something. I don't know. All I know is he said I have to pull the dead stems if I want more to grow. Which I did. And discovered a thick plant with waxy, dark green leaves growing. Those have gotten a bit larger in the last couple of weeks, but no new stem growth. I think I'm going to just wait and see what happens with those two. As long as they don't grow enough to try and take over other areas, they can stay.
Around front are some tuplips. Marc said something about them being not your normal tulips and called them something (are you guys getting the hint that gardening just isn't my thing?). And they don't look like average tuplips with the typical scoop tops. They're this pretty yellow and red color and have bloomed wide open with sharper leaves. If that makes sense.
There are some other flowers out front that I, once again, have no idea about. But they're blooming, too.
So most of my yard has the idea that spring is pretty much at hand. I wish they'd tell the shade trees, though. Hoss's dog house is positioned in the yard where it'll get sun during the cold, but that also means it gets sun when it's warm. And while it's insulated and never fully exposed, I imagine the front can get pretty warm to something covered in fur. The largest shade tree would help with that quite a bit.
And that's it. Exceedingly boring as promised, but not bad for a Sunday morning.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Happy hump day ...
Because I'm working Saturday, I have today off. I'm not sure it's a fair trade, though, as I have to be at work by 5:30am (that's 5:30 in the morning) for a field trip type thing.
There are a few things I need to do today - the usual daily things like vacuum and dishes and such. Plus a couple of extras.
Although today's weather really makes you not want to leave. It's raining and seriously windy. Which, to me, is perfect pajama weather.
The trees lining the entrance to our sub-division (which happens to be the street we're on) seemed to have bloomed overnight. So the wind at least presents a pretty picture of waving white blossoms every time I look out a front window.
I ordered this online the other day. I had it for years and years (think about 16 years) and it went missing during our move. The new one is scheduled to be delivered today. To my dad's. Argh. Ah well - I'll pick it up when we go there for dinner on Sunday.
That's about all. Other than the ticking of the keyboard and the sound of the wind, the house is silent. Which is a nice contrast to a busy, loud office.
There are a few things I need to do today - the usual daily things like vacuum and dishes and such. Plus a couple of extras.
Although today's weather really makes you not want to leave. It's raining and seriously windy. Which, to me, is perfect pajama weather.
The trees lining the entrance to our sub-division (which happens to be the street we're on) seemed to have bloomed overnight. So the wind at least presents a pretty picture of waving white blossoms every time I look out a front window.
I ordered this online the other day. I had it for years and years (think about 16 years) and it went missing during our move. The new one is scheduled to be delivered today. To my dad's. Argh. Ah well - I'll pick it up when we go there for dinner on Sunday.
That's about all. Other than the ticking of the keyboard and the sound of the wind, the house is silent. Which is a nice contrast to a busy, loud office.
Saturday, March 15, 2008
Not to brag, but ...
Ok, so I'm bragging.
Marc and I hit a different moving sale, one we knew about only because the guy was putting the sign up as we drove past.
And guess what I got?
A couch.
For $3.
Yes, 3 whole dollars.
It's a nice couch, too. Of course it had some wear and tear, but it's still in very good condition. It's just a tad worn is all.
But $3. 3!
She said ... $3. I said ... I'll take it.
We moved it home and Marc and I moved it upstairs. I tossed the cushion covers (the ones you sit on) in the washer and used some upholstery cleaner on the rest. And now it's sitting in my living room looking all sorts of decent.
Much better than the ugly yellow thing we had (that Marc & I moved to the basement after much nagging hah).
I have a picture of it on my phone, but I can't transfer it. I'll try to get one with the digital camera.
But still ... $3?!?
Just in case, I bought 2 lottery tickets. Here's to hoping my luck holds out.
Marc and I hit a different moving sale, one we knew about only because the guy was putting the sign up as we drove past.
And guess what I got?
A couch.
For $3.
Yes, 3 whole dollars.
It's a nice couch, too. Of course it had some wear and tear, but it's still in very good condition. It's just a tad worn is all.
But $3. 3!
She said ... $3. I said ... I'll take it.
We moved it home and Marc and I moved it upstairs. I tossed the cushion covers (the ones you sit on) in the washer and used some upholstery cleaner on the rest. And now it's sitting in my living room looking all sorts of decent.
Much better than the ugly yellow thing we had (that Marc & I moved to the basement after much nagging hah).
I have a picture of it on my phone, but I can't transfer it. I'll try to get one with the digital camera.
But still ... $3?!?
Just in case, I bought 2 lottery tickets. Here's to hoping my luck holds out.
Another week down.
For those that remember - my nephew's girlfriend had her baby in January and the paternity test came back as his. Which is awesome. I can't imagine what it would have done to my sister had that test come back as someone else's. At least she'll have Stephen's daughter to hold onto.
There's a moving sale in a super nice subdivision (the kind that makes you wonder what they do to afford that type of home) near here and my friend Marc is coming over so we can go check it out. Then it's errand time as we're pretty much out of all sorts of staples - toilet paper, toothpaste, animal food, etc ...
Thank God for pay days.
With my job situation the way that it is, all baby plans are on hold until the end of this month. After the 31st, I'll know if I can put any plans into action.
I was thinking last night - some people throw God into the mix and talk about "He knows when it's the right time" and some such. I've always wondered about that. How can it not be the right time for us but the right time for some crackhead or abuser?
I don't get it and sometimes my brain hurts from trying to figure it out.
I don't know. It's been several months since our last attempt and I just feel so disconnected from it all.
Ah well ... it won't change before the end of the month so there's no point in mooning about it. I'll just keep on waiting.
For those that remember - my nephew's girlfriend had her baby in January and the paternity test came back as his. Which is awesome. I can't imagine what it would have done to my sister had that test come back as someone else's. At least she'll have Stephen's daughter to hold onto.
There's a moving sale in a super nice subdivision (the kind that makes you wonder what they do to afford that type of home) near here and my friend Marc is coming over so we can go check it out. Then it's errand time as we're pretty much out of all sorts of staples - toilet paper, toothpaste, animal food, etc ...
Thank God for pay days.
With my job situation the way that it is, all baby plans are on hold until the end of this month. After the 31st, I'll know if I can put any plans into action.
I was thinking last night - some people throw God into the mix and talk about "He knows when it's the right time" and some such. I've always wondered about that. How can it not be the right time for us but the right time for some crackhead or abuser?
I don't get it and sometimes my brain hurts from trying to figure it out.
I don't know. It's been several months since our last attempt and I just feel so disconnected from it all.
Ah well ... it won't change before the end of the month so there's no point in mooning about it. I'll just keep on waiting.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
I need a nap ...
Thank you guys for your nice comments on my last post. I really appreciate the support you always give.
I was flabbergasted to realize that a year had gone by already. Some days it doesn't feel like it's been more than a few weeks. But reviewing it all - the changes in my life since the miscarriage - does help me see it hasn't all sucked.
Work ... well ... work is work.
I'm back to my normal schedule of 8 - 5. After a month of sleeping til 7:30 or 8, it's seriously hard to get up at 6. Really, really hard. Really.
All else has been quiet. Why? Because I'm too freakin tired for it to be anything else.
Did I mention it's hard to adjust back to my normal schedule?
I was flabbergasted to realize that a year had gone by already. Some days it doesn't feel like it's been more than a few weeks. But reviewing it all - the changes in my life since the miscarriage - does help me see it hasn't all sucked.
Work ... well ... work is work.
I'm back to my normal schedule of 8 - 5. After a month of sleeping til 7:30 or 8, it's seriously hard to get up at 6. Really, really hard. Really.
All else has been quiet. Why? Because I'm too freakin tired for it to be anything else.
Did I mention it's hard to adjust back to my normal schedule?
Sunday, March 9, 2008
But it's not any other year ...
This morning I woke up with the thought of what I thought today was. Turns out it was yesterday.
The one year anniversary of losing our one and only pregnancy.
I spent a few minutes chastising myself for making the mistake. I mean, how can you not remember the date of the worst day of your life? But we found out we were pregnant on the 9th, so I didn't beat myself up too much for switching the dates.
I'm not a take stock in your life type of person. A lot of people do that sort of thing around New Year's - revisit where they were and where they're going. I tend to not do that. It's only a symbolic act and it rarely changes the course for most people.
But so much has happened for (and to) us since we lost our baby.
I got a promotion, we bought a newer van, Patrick got a promotion, I lost my oldest nephew (to 3 people I hope suffer in prison every day for the rest of their natural lives), saw the birth of my nephew just a few days off from what was to be my own due date, and we bought a home.
I discovered that the arrival of my estimated due date was easier to handle than I expected. And, in a way, it provided some sort of ... movement ... for me. Closure isn't the right word. It was more like I had spent several months holding my breath and suddenly found myself able to inhale.
I still have moments of thought that I would much rather be at home with a x-month old than going out to dinner with friends or making that spur of the moment run to a book store. But now those thoughts bring more of a momentary melancholy than the searing pain they once held. My thought patterns switched from what should have been to what could have been. A subtle difference, but one that holds less fire power.
On the downside, I find myself more bitter and angry at the fertile world as time goes on. I find stories people share about their children to be more grating than anything else. Although I think a good part of that is due to having dealt with infertility for more than 10 years than our miscarriage.
I can't relate to those people. And instead of enjoying the stories, I find myself wanting to say things like "Your kid isn't any more special than anyone else's, so please stop talking".
Isn't that awful? It is. I know it is. And I hate that part of me. I hate that infertility has turned me into someone who not only can't find the fun in those things, but no longer really wants to even try.
And that's the part of me that's gotten worse in the last year. So maybe some of it is due to our miscarriage. Not all, mind you, as a good part of that existed before last year. But it is more pronounced these days.
So ... that's me a year later.
Some good, some bad.
Almost like any other year.
The one year anniversary of losing our one and only pregnancy.
I spent a few minutes chastising myself for making the mistake. I mean, how can you not remember the date of the worst day of your life? But we found out we were pregnant on the 9th, so I didn't beat myself up too much for switching the dates.
I'm not a take stock in your life type of person. A lot of people do that sort of thing around New Year's - revisit where they were and where they're going. I tend to not do that. It's only a symbolic act and it rarely changes the course for most people.
But so much has happened for (and to) us since we lost our baby.
I got a promotion, we bought a newer van, Patrick got a promotion, I lost my oldest nephew (to 3 people I hope suffer in prison every day for the rest of their natural lives), saw the birth of my nephew just a few days off from what was to be my own due date, and we bought a home.
I discovered that the arrival of my estimated due date was easier to handle than I expected. And, in a way, it provided some sort of ... movement ... for me. Closure isn't the right word. It was more like I had spent several months holding my breath and suddenly found myself able to inhale.
I still have moments of thought that I would much rather be at home with a x-month old than going out to dinner with friends or making that spur of the moment run to a book store. But now those thoughts bring more of a momentary melancholy than the searing pain they once held. My thought patterns switched from what should have been to what could have been. A subtle difference, but one that holds less fire power.
On the downside, I find myself more bitter and angry at the fertile world as time goes on. I find stories people share about their children to be more grating than anything else. Although I think a good part of that is due to having dealt with infertility for more than 10 years than our miscarriage.
I can't relate to those people. And instead of enjoying the stories, I find myself wanting to say things like "Your kid isn't any more special than anyone else's, so please stop talking".
Isn't that awful? It is. I know it is. And I hate that part of me. I hate that infertility has turned me into someone who not only can't find the fun in those things, but no longer really wants to even try.
And that's the part of me that's gotten worse in the last year. So maybe some of it is due to our miscarriage. Not all, mind you, as a good part of that existed before last year. But it is more pronounced these days.
So ... that's me a year later.
Some good, some bad.
Almost like any other year.
Saturday, March 8, 2008
So things are fairly back to normal. Sorry for the drama hah
I've been playing the new expansion pack quite a bit this week. It's nice to have my games back. A friend and I were talking and there will be a Sims3 sometime in the next 6 months. I can't imagine. I already have the main Sims2 and all of the expansion packs (there's 7), and 3 of the extra stuff kits. I don't want a Sims3. I don't want to start over and spend all that money again. Somehow I doubt holding my breath will have any impact on that.
This has been about the longest week in work history. Really. It hasn't been a bad week, just long as fuck. Work has improved a tiny, tad bit. Not a notable amount, but teeny. Although it may not matter - it's improved before with the same results. So I'm not holding out any hopes that it will improve overall.
The weather here has been insane. It was in the upper 60's / low 70's earlier this week and today it's snowing.
Which gives me good reason to stay inside all day.
I've been playing the new expansion pack quite a bit this week. It's nice to have my games back. A friend and I were talking and there will be a Sims3 sometime in the next 6 months. I can't imagine. I already have the main Sims2 and all of the expansion packs (there's 7), and 3 of the extra stuff kits. I don't want a Sims3. I don't want to start over and spend all that money again. Somehow I doubt holding my breath will have any impact on that.
This has been about the longest week in work history. Really. It hasn't been a bad week, just long as fuck. Work has improved a tiny, tad bit. Not a notable amount, but teeny. Although it may not matter - it's improved before with the same results. So I'm not holding out any hopes that it will improve overall.
The weather here has been insane. It was in the upper 60's / low 70's earlier this week and today it's snowing.
Which gives me good reason to stay inside all day.
Friday, March 7, 2008
Still weirded out ...
I had a conversation with my best friend last night about the whole ... what if one of your direct reports finds your blog? What really is the worst outcome?
Well ... I can't talk about work at all then. And when I'm frazzled about work, it's all I want to talk about. Even though I don't give any specifics anyway (it's not completely co-worker free), I still like to be able to unabashadly say how frustrated and upset I am. Which I don't feel like I can do if someone who's quality scores and such depend on me reads this blog.
But Marc pointed out that's not what set me off. It was the fact that someone may have learned about what we're dealing with when I wasn't the one that set that learning into motion.
And he said - what's the worst that can happen? Someone might actually see you as human rather than a cold-hearted supervisor (good Lord I hope none of them see me as cold-hearted, although I'm sure there are times a few think I'm a bitch).
My reply was that I need the distance between my personal and work life in order to do my job without personal feelings getting in the way. If they know too much about my personal life, I worry that I'll lose something in my role.
He reminded me of my belief that it's our job to educate others about infertility through sharing our experiences. And how can I close a door that might help someone else better understand our struggles simply because it made me feel uncomfortable?
Which has made me think quite a bit. Because he's right. Although I still feel pretty wonky over the whole thing.
But an e-mail from someone this morning made me wonder if my fear was unfounded. Which would make me a paranoid dolt. If that's the case, then all this was for nothing and things will go back to normal.
*** Edit ***
Mystery solved. My mystery commenter was this young lady and not a co-worker. I'll be sure to flog her properly for sending me into a frenzy, but it actually gave me some things to think about since my reaction was nothing like I would have expected it to be.
This means I'll be removing the privacy thing. Except without all the fanfare (Sorry Melissa!) so I don't have to beg forgiveness from several hundred for taking up much needed Lost and Found posting space hah
Well ... I can't talk about work at all then. And when I'm frazzled about work, it's all I want to talk about. Even though I don't give any specifics anyway (it's not completely co-worker free), I still like to be able to unabashadly say how frustrated and upset I am. Which I don't feel like I can do if someone who's quality scores and such depend on me reads this blog.
But Marc pointed out that's not what set me off. It was the fact that someone may have learned about what we're dealing with when I wasn't the one that set that learning into motion.
And he said - what's the worst that can happen? Someone might actually see you as human rather than a cold-hearted supervisor (good Lord I hope none of them see me as cold-hearted, although I'm sure there are times a few think I'm a bitch).
My reply was that I need the distance between my personal and work life in order to do my job without personal feelings getting in the way. If they know too much about my personal life, I worry that I'll lose something in my role.
He reminded me of my belief that it's our job to educate others about infertility through sharing our experiences. And how can I close a door that might help someone else better understand our struggles simply because it made me feel uncomfortable?
Which has made me think quite a bit. Because he's right. Although I still feel pretty wonky over the whole thing.
But an e-mail from someone this morning made me wonder if my fear was unfounded. Which would make me a paranoid dolt. If that's the case, then all this was for nothing and things will go back to normal.
*** Edit ***
Mystery solved. My mystery commenter was this young lady and not a co-worker. I'll be sure to flog her properly for sending me into a frenzy, but it actually gave me some things to think about since my reaction was nothing like I would have expected it to be.
This means I'll be removing the privacy thing. Except without all the fanfare (Sorry Melissa!) so I don't have to beg forgiveness from several hundred for taking up much needed Lost and Found posting space hah
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
We interrupt this broadcast ...
When I started this blog, I purposely kept personal, identifying information out. My first name and the city I live in really is all the great land of the internet needs to know until I feel more comfortable sharing more information with individuals.
Having said that, I already knew a couple of co-workers read this blog. And that was ok. One was the reason I left Xanga and came to blogspot - he told me about the differences and I liked them. The other is someone who's been on the front line of listening to my tales of woe in relation to our infertility struggles for almost 2 years. They were sworn to secrecy and made to promise to not share this address with anyone (you'd think I worked for 007 or something).
Not a problem.
This evening, though, I was given reason to suspect a couple of people who report directly to me had found it. I say suspect because I don't have any proof. The only thing I have going is that both were non-blogging people and one had the same name as one of my direct reports.
I can safely say I have never had one single anonymous or non-blogger comment since I came to blogspot. Until today.
Which has put me in a quandry. And a mild state of panic.
Which is kind of weird. Because it's not the work-related things that has me paniced. It's the infertility-related things that does.
I suddenly felt this huge violation of my privacy. Really. Me. Miss tell everyone that'll listen and plenty that won't. I was upset that they had, uninvited, read my blog. And learned things I had no intentions of sharing with them. Why? Because it's none of their damned business, that's why.
This is a first for me. I'm usually the one that talks about being open, sharing our stories and struggles. Sharing our information so others will hopefully be better educated about infertility and how it truly affects those of us dealing with it.
This evening, though, I found myself going blogspot / invite only. I'm struggling, for the first time, with how to deal with direct reports who stumble here and then learn things I had no plans on sharing with them. That's not to say they didn't already know or hear things. It's just that I didn't share it.
Maybe that's it. Maybe it's that I didn't get to decide who knows and when. Yet another control related struggle to go along with the other control related struggles infertility thrusts on us.
Having said that ... yes ... only blogspotters and invited people will be able to read in the future. I plan on leaving a comment for Lost and Found, but if you know of anyone who isn't on blogspot who reads my blog, please have them e-mail me at angelast71@gmail.com. If they have a blog, I will be happy to send them an invitation to read.
If they don't ... well ... they'll need someone to vouch for them. Because I really really really don't want to have to start all over.
Having said that, I already knew a couple of co-workers read this blog. And that was ok. One was the reason I left Xanga and came to blogspot - he told me about the differences and I liked them. The other is someone who's been on the front line of listening to my tales of woe in relation to our infertility struggles for almost 2 years. They were sworn to secrecy and made to promise to not share this address with anyone (you'd think I worked for 007 or something).
Not a problem.
This evening, though, I was given reason to suspect a couple of people who report directly to me had found it. I say suspect because I don't have any proof. The only thing I have going is that both were non-blogging people and one had the same name as one of my direct reports.
I can safely say I have never had one single anonymous or non-blogger comment since I came to blogspot. Until today.
Which has put me in a quandry. And a mild state of panic.
Which is kind of weird. Because it's not the work-related things that has me paniced. It's the infertility-related things that does.
I suddenly felt this huge violation of my privacy. Really. Me. Miss tell everyone that'll listen and plenty that won't. I was upset that they had, uninvited, read my blog. And learned things I had no intentions of sharing with them. Why? Because it's none of their damned business, that's why.
This is a first for me. I'm usually the one that talks about being open, sharing our stories and struggles. Sharing our information so others will hopefully be better educated about infertility and how it truly affects those of us dealing with it.
This evening, though, I found myself going blogspot / invite only. I'm struggling, for the first time, with how to deal with direct reports who stumble here and then learn things I had no plans on sharing with them. That's not to say they didn't already know or hear things. It's just that I didn't share it.
Maybe that's it. Maybe it's that I didn't get to decide who knows and when. Yet another control related struggle to go along with the other control related struggles infertility thrusts on us.
Having said that ... yes ... only blogspotters and invited people will be able to read in the future. I plan on leaving a comment for Lost and Found, but if you know of anyone who isn't on blogspot who reads my blog, please have them e-mail me at angelast71@gmail.com. If they have a blog, I will be happy to send them an invitation to read.
If they don't ... well ... they'll need someone to vouch for them. Because I really really really don't want to have to start all over.
Sunday, March 2, 2008
Willing to sell a kidney ...
My period started yesterday. I knew it was coming because my nipples hurt and I constantly wanted to eat.
At least this one was pretty much on time, though. After waiting about 3 months for the last one to show, I'll take my small victory. It could have left the cramps at home, though.
My hair cut came out nice. It's pretty much just a bit of a shorter version of the cut I had, which usually comes out looking similar to the rachel. Just ... longer. It's not necessarily the cut so much as it's my hair.
I also swung through our local Sally's and picked up a decent flat iron. I had one a few years back, but it was from wal-mart and sucked. So I figured I needed to spend the money on a decent one. Not a lot, just more than $10.
Patrick was out late last night, came home and said his truck blew up about 1/2 way home. I'm not sure what that means (I was sleeping) outside that he said it was blowing steam out from under the hood.
That can't be good.
I'm hoping it's something as simple as a leaky / loose hose. If not, it's going to seriously cut into our baby funds.
At least this one was pretty much on time, though. After waiting about 3 months for the last one to show, I'll take my small victory. It could have left the cramps at home, though.
My hair cut came out nice. It's pretty much just a bit of a shorter version of the cut I had, which usually comes out looking similar to the rachel. Just ... longer. It's not necessarily the cut so much as it's my hair.
I also swung through our local Sally's and picked up a decent flat iron. I had one a few years back, but it was from wal-mart and sucked. So I figured I needed to spend the money on a decent one. Not a lot, just more than $10.
Patrick was out late last night, came home and said his truck blew up about 1/2 way home. I'm not sure what that means (I was sleeping) outside that he said it was blowing steam out from under the hood.
That can't be good.
I'm hoping it's something as simple as a leaky / loose hose. If not, it's going to seriously cut into our baby funds.
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