This morning I woke up with the thought of what I thought today was. Turns out it was yesterday.
The one year anniversary of losing our one and only pregnancy.
I spent a few minutes chastising myself for making the mistake. I mean, how can you not remember the date of the worst day of your life? But we found out we were pregnant on the 9th, so I didn't beat myself up too much for switching the dates.
I'm not a take stock in your life type of person. A lot of people do that sort of thing around New Year's - revisit where they were and where they're going. I tend to not do that. It's only a symbolic act and it rarely changes the course for most people.
But so much has happened for (and to) us since we lost our baby.
I got a promotion, we bought a newer van, Patrick got a promotion, I lost my oldest nephew (to 3 people I hope suffer in prison every day for the rest of their natural lives), saw the birth of my nephew just a few days off from what was to be my own due date, and we bought a home.
I discovered that the arrival of my estimated due date was easier to handle than I expected. And, in a way, it provided some sort of ... movement ... for me. Closure isn't the right word. It was more like I had spent several months holding my breath and suddenly found myself able to inhale.
I still have moments of thought that I would much rather be at home with a x-month old than going out to dinner with friends or making that spur of the moment run to a book store. But now those thoughts bring more of a momentary melancholy than the searing pain they once held. My thought patterns switched from what should have been to what could have been. A subtle difference, but one that holds less fire power.
On the downside, I find myself more bitter and angry at the fertile world as time goes on. I find stories people share about their children to be more grating than anything else. Although I think a good part of that is due to having dealt with infertility for more than 10 years than our miscarriage.
I can't relate to those people. And instead of enjoying the stories, I find myself wanting to say things like "Your kid isn't any more special than anyone else's, so please stop talking".
Isn't that awful? It is. I know it is. And I hate that part of me. I hate that infertility has turned me into someone who not only can't find the fun in those things, but no longer really wants to even try.
And that's the part of me that's gotten worse in the last year. So maybe some of it is due to our miscarriage. Not all, mind you, as a good part of that existed before last year. But it is more pronounced these days.
So ... that's me a year later.
Some good, some bad.
Almost like any other year.
5 comments:
thinking of you today and saying a prayer in your honor and memory
Reading your post was like having someone reading my own mind. My due date was Christmas Eve this past year -- it was very difficult, as were the holidays in general. As I approach the conception date anniversary I know I will have a lot of mixed feelings. I am hoping that because I will be in the midst of our first IVF round that some sense of hope will be inside me (working HARD on trying to be positive, but it's a hour-by-hour struggle). I just wanted you to know that you are NOT alone. I don't know if this will mean anything, but it was YOUR posting (on your sidebar) about MTHFR Gene that lead me to ask my R.E. is if I had ever been tested for it, which somehow had never happened. I recently was diagnosed with it. After 3 early m/c's, I am now on the right folic acid & baby asprin protocol. So, in this strange cyber-world in which we exist, it was your willingness to be so forthright with your own history that may in turn lead to the prevention of a future m/c on my part. WOW. Thank you. You made a difference in my life (I am sorry it has taken me a while to share this with you -- I would get teary every time I tried).
Here's the Fe. 17th post in which I learned about having MTHFR in the first place:
http://inourownweirdway.blogspot.com/2008/02/life-sucks-part-two.html
Again, with thanks, for making a difference in my life :o)
I promise as time moves forward it will get easier. When I lost my little one in 2000 I was devasted. I thought it would be something I would never be able to overcome. The memory will last forever, but the pain will eventually subside. I know for the first couple of years I was very angry. I look back now and realize that things happen for some reason or another. It may not have ended up like I planned or wanted for that matter, but some things are just out of our control. I love ya and am always here if you need me.
I'm sorry that you're feeling so blue. I think that your bitterness towards the fertile world is something that is so common-unfortunately. I hope that you're feeling better today.
I really hope that writing about it has helped. As far as the anger and bitterness, I know what you mean. I'm not as far into the journey as some, but I feel those two emotions growing more and more every day. I'll keep us all in my prayers.
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