Better able to move forward ...

Yesterday was ok.

I'm ok.

What I think about now are those in their 2ww. I wish them happy implantations.

It's strange, this trip through infertility. I hate the shots and the ultrasounds and bloodwork and multiple visits to the doctor. I hate having to finagle the money for the meds and the iui.

But the 2ww is kind of like being punch drunk.

You're hopeful, but terrified of being so. You analyze every physical blip and wonder if it's a good or bad thing. You check for soreness in your breasts so often that you wonder if the soreness is hormonal or just because you've been handling them so much.

Our RE did give us one more shot at the injections & iui before having to wave the white flag and move to IVF. The day I got the BFN and that news, I was not in a good place. My oldest nephew had just been murdered and his service was that night. My nerves were thin and raw as it was.

All I could think about was the "You can do another round of injections and iui if you want to, but then you'll have to move to invitro" comment. I felt defeated and worn down and all I could hear in my head were the words "you'll never have a baby of your own". We don't have any money left in our FSA account and that's what we used for our treatments, so the "one more" may as well have been "better luck next year!".

Now, almost a month later, I find my mind turning to the yearly bonus we usually get at work and wondering if we're going to get one this year. The thing is, it's usually enough to cover a cycle of treatments since all I have to pay for is the meds and the iui (my insurance company unwittingly pays for the office visits, bloodwork, and ultrasounds).

And I'm realizing I want to be there again. I want to be punch drunk with hope and excitement and fear.

I want that last chance.