I feel so jumbled ...

I saw my nephew last night. My sister and oldest niece were at the funeral home, so that's where we headed. I needed to see him before tonight. I couldn't walk into that home unprepared.

His nose looked like him. But his cheeks and eyes ... I leaned over the casket to make sure. I wanted to see his arm. And it was him.

With everything going on, I've been horribly emotional. I'm irritable and exhausted. And I cry at odd times.

I know part of my reaction is guilt. I haven't been a big part of his life the last few years because of this thing with my sister. The only times I saw him was if I ran into him at a store or if I was here when he came over to visit my dad. I missed out on seeing the man he was becoming.

I told my niece, his younger sister, that I love her. I said "I may not have been around much but I want you to know I never loved you any less". She's 15. She said "I know" and practically ran to one of her friends hah Gotta love embarrassing teenagers.

Their brother, the one born just over a year after Steve, is angry. Tightly wound just under the surface - it's like his skin is constantly vibrating. He's barely spoken to me and I wonder if it's because I haven't been around. My family keeps reminding me he's barely spoken to anyone. He usually just stands there and glares at those around him. He practically lives at the funeral home. He and Steve were super close, as brothers born that close together are apt to be, and I think it'd be safe to say it's hit him almost as hard as it has my sister.

I've missed that part of my family and life more than I realized. Which is really only partly true -- I did want to tell my sister when we got pregnant in February. The drama ... I try to stay out of it. And she is a shit-stirrer of the first order. Everything becomes a huge he said / she said deal and rumors run rampant. But I drove my sister to another vigil last night (Steve's dad's parents arrived and some kids wanted another gathering) and I regretted what I had done.

But you can't go back. You can only move forward. And maybe set some ground rules - such as, leave me out of the crap.

Yesterday I also uttered the Words of Doom ... I said "I think I may actually be pregnant". So y'all know today's test will be negative argh. I should know better than to say something like that.

Ally and Katie commented that they couldn't believe I haven't poas yet. Truth be told, I'm terrified to. That's the only real reason. I've poas a few previous cycles and it'd always been negative. And I'm terrified it'll be negative again. So I haven't. It might sound strange, but I'd hold onto the hope and wonder until the day I delivered if I had to. It's better than seeing a missing line or the horrible digital Not Pregnant words.

I leave here in another 30 minutes for the blood draw and then the real waiting begins.