Let me explain ...

I'm generally not a needy, insecure person.

The last couple of months, though, have found me doubting myself. And I don't mean professionally. I mean personally.

Am I still sexy and attractive? Am I still interesting?

That sort of thing.

The base issue is with the way Patrick and I handle certain types of stress.

Where I will sometimes look to someone else for validation, Patrick doesn't. He has more of a tendency to get a bit distant.

I pay a good bit of attention to the little things - small touches, random hugs and kisses, etc ...

If those drop off the radar, I get worried. Very, very worried. And when Patrick's stressing, those things have a tendency to fall to the side.

Then I, in turn, pay painful amounts of attention to what I'm not getting. Which, of course, probably does make me rather unattractive. Then I go all clamish and try to stop, only to end up getting all reactionary again.

And if these things happen at the same time, as they have recently, I end up feeling ignored, unwanted, and like maybe I'm not all that anymore.

And there is the problem. I'm looking for more when he's just not feeling it.

This isn't a blame the husband post. Not by any means. So please don't anyone take it that way. Patrick's actually been great - we've talked about it and he really has made more effort to give me what I'm seeking.

The problem with me is that I'm currently like a 2 year old - I need constant attention. Which is stupid. Really. I know this. It's unreasonable and unrealistic to ask anyone to always be right there.

So yesterday, when Patrick went bowling, I didn't invite myself along. I decided he deserved a day with his friends without worrying about his psycho wife tagging along.

And it wasn't a bad day. I read a book I had picked up the day before, watched some tv, and got some cleaning done. I didn't even change out of my pajamas. I just hung out at the house.

The evening wasn't what I had hoped for, but I was able to chalk it up to his stress and did what I could to let it go.

In other words, I'm not all pissy today like I was Saturday. And I wasn't all pissy yesterday, either.

And I don't anticipate being all pissy today, either.