Hormones ahead ...

One of Patrick's uncles passed a few days ago and his viewing (wake) was last night.

His mom's family is a stereotypical southern family - very close knit, everyone raised on the same large farm, with most still living in various houses on it. His uncle was a good bit older - in his 70's, I think. So a number of those there were also older.

The one thing that struck me was remembering how older people handle viewings and funerals. Yes, it's sad that the person is gone. But most seem to use it as a time to catch up with each other, so there's usually a lot of laughter and 'normal' chatter.

I don't believe it's disrespectful. It just struck me as a funny thing that I noticed at my own grandparents' funerals.

Unfortunately, it brought my nephew's murder and funeral to mind. He'll be gone a year on 9/26. It's hard to believe that much time has passed.

To that end - the 3 responsible will be serving multiple years in prison. The shooter received a 15 yr sentence with no chance of parole. The girl that lured him there will have a 16 yr sentence with no chance of parole - I say 'will' because they keep having to reschedule her sentencing hearing. It is with not an ounce of pity that I say she keeps getting attacked and sent to the hospital, so they keep having to reschedule her hearing (her latest hearing is set for my sister's birthday, 9/15). The 3rd guy involved, who swore he was only there for the ride and had no idea of their plans, is also set for a multiple year sentence.

It was hard not to think about it last night, but I did what I could. It wouldn't make sense to have me burst into tears when everyone there knows I'd met Patrick's uncle only once.

After we got home, my older brother called from Oregon to tell me I'm going to be a great aunt again. His step-daughter-in-law, whom I've never met, is set to deliver any day now.

My first reaction - which didn't make it past my lips - was to ask why he thought I cared. I don't know the woman. I've never met her or her husband. As it was, I simply said "Congratulations. I'm sure you're all excited".

And thanks for the heaping helping of yet another reminder how my own siblings are done with bearing their children and that my nieces and nephews are already working on their own families.

My reaction - the instant urge to burst into tears - was kind of surprising to me. With our plans and what we're doing to adopt, I guess part of me thought it wouldn't be such a punch to the gut.

Surprise!

I know there are a lot of us infertiles out there who adore other people's children and babies and love to play with them and rejoice at other people's impending deliveries. I'm not one of them. Really. I'll be happy to fake smile for you if that's what you want, but please don't ask me to hold or play with your kid or plan your shower.

Because I won't.

I can't.

Even when I thought I could, that part of me is apparently broken.