In the middle ...

Yesterday was our first due date.

When we had our 6wk ultrasound with our RE, seeing our baby's heartbeat for the first time, she estimated a due date of October 23rd.

Tomorrow's our second due date.

Our first appointment with an actual OB, where we heard the heartbeat for the first time, estimated a due date of October 25th with a high resolution ultrasound.

I was a bit worried about the difference - one office measuring the baby 2 days behind another. But not enough to freak out. We attributed the difference to the different machines since the heartbeat was strong.

Two mornings later I was back in the OB's office, this time bleeding and carrying our baby, still inside its tiny amniotic sac, in a sandwich baggy in my purse. If I went by their estimate, I was exactly 7wks along.

I'll never be able to get the image of her little budding body out of my head. Nor the brief sight of the nurses staring into the container the nurse practitioner had put it in. I'm sure it's not every day someone brings in a complete amniotic sac with the embryo still floating inside, but I wanted to scream at them as the door closed.

And as much as I wish I could scrub my brain clean, I know it was the probably best thing I did that morning. The doctors testing our baby's chromosones let us know it was perfect, signaling a need to test me for yet more imperfections, and that it was a girl.

Not a day has gone by that I haven't thought about her. Knowing what milestone I would have passed and what milestone would be coming up next.

And instead of celebrating a birth, I'm faced with the final reality that a baby of our own is pretty much out of reach.

I'm not sure how I'll feel tomorrow morning. I know I'll wish her a silent happy birthday, but I don't know that I'll mark it any other way.

Or I may find that getting out of bed is beyond my ability.

October came a lot faster than I expected.