Rambling is my forte ...

I think I've changed my template no less than 10 or 15 times in the hopes of finding the elusive Add a Page Element feature.

Obviously I've had no luck. I'll try again on my work computer (no, not during work hours hah) tomorrow morning and see if it's just that my IE here at home is outdated or something.

Patrick and I celebrated my birthday a couple days early yesterday. We had a way yummy dinner and then browsed Borders for a bit. I was hoping to find some kind of book about miscarriage that might help me put the After into some sort of ... something.

I found one book and a very pregnant woman in the same aisle.

Make note that Borders sucks in the miscarriage support arena.

Right before my last birthday, we had just moved and had just found out our latest cycle of treatments didn't work.

What sticks out is how I kept thinking I was turning 35 and still childless. Between my PCOS and my husband's low morphology, it was hard to see past the fact that normal fertility rates drop like a lead balloon when the woman reaches 35 and I was already 2 shots down.

And here I am, 1 day away from turning 36, and trying to move beyond a miscarriage and towards the next treatment cycle.

The pluses:

• We know we can get pregnant (that's a huge step)
  
• We know the baby was normal, so there's less fear of Down's or some other issue
  
• My RE didn't blink when I requested the auto-immune testing and happily took 6 vials of blood
  
• Work allows me to use intermittent FMLA for the doctor visits so I don't get penalized for missing time
  

The cons:

• Back to blood work every couple of days
  
• Back to ultrasounds every couple of days
  
• Back to daily shots, with at least 2 - 3 shots a day for 3 weeks
  
• Back to hormonal fuse blowing
  
• Back to missing work and, therefore, getting smaller paychecks
  
• Back to the ultra-romantic in-utero inseminations
  
• I'm not still pregnant and am dreading this more than I can put into words
  

Before and After is less prevalent now than it was in April or even May. I still find myself defining events around it and I'm terrified - absolutely terrified - of having to go through it again. But I do think I'm finally ready to jump back onto the roller coaster.

I just wish it were more like the fun roller coaster at amusement parks.