The new normal isn't really new ...

Today was the first day Hoss was without his cone collar and I was not home.

He was sound asleep when I left this morning, so no barking like mad at 5am.

And now that Hoss is out of the collar and completely off his meds, I reinstated Patrick as the morning dog feeder and headed to work. Not to fear, though ... I left him with instructions on "you can let him out to potty and then use cheese to get him back into his kennel". I'm a control freak like that.

Anyway ...

Of course, I had to check in and make sure he fed Hoss. Which he did.

But he said Hoss didn't physically get up, just raised his head and looked at him. Patrick left his kennel gate open and headed back into the house. Hoss never came out.

Combine that with the fact that he didn't make a peep after about 10pm last night. And then his radio silence this morning - no barking or whining or grumbling, just a passed out dog in my headlights as I backed down the drive.

My stomach started to knot.

Round and round I went all day with the 'what ifs' ... what if his incision really isn't better? What if he's sick? What if he's injured? What if the fluid in his leg is infected and he now has some blood thing going on? (have I mentioned being raised in a Catholic family? Yeah ... we go straight for worst case scenerio)

So I fretted all day.

Hoss was fine when I got home. A bit limpy on the arthritic left knee, but jolly and happy and playful.

What I need to do is remember a few points ...

Hoss was never a late night dog. Yeah, the prednisone had him funky and antsy and barky. But in general he goes down for the night around 8pm and that's that.

Hoss isn't a morning dog. The boy likes his sleep. He's usually sound asleep when I leave for work.

He responds differently to Patrick than he does to me. Hoss doesn't listen to Patrick as well sometimes, but he doesn't push Patrick as much as he does me. And where I'll climb half way into his dog house to scruff his sleepy head, Patrick won't. And it's the cuddly scruffing in the morning that he really responds to.

Another point ...

I have spent more than a month now on pins and needles.

First it was the unused leg. Then it was the vet visit and surgery. First set of stitches, repeated checking and watching. Torn incision two weeks later, leading to the 2nd set of stitches, followed by 3 more weeks of broken and torn cone collars, and a dog that was doped to the gills on antibiotics and steroids, causing him to demand almost constant attention.

While that's going on, our old girl was slowly going down hill. She went from moving about and just living life (albeit not jumping around, but still ... she enjoyed laying in the yard and barking at random things) to not being able to move at all in about a week.

The journey of the dogs ended with Hoss's 2nd set of stitches coming out and us having to put our old girl to sleep.

So for more than a month, this was my daily life. Tending broken and breaking pets.

And this morning Hoss, who had become a temper tantrum having toddler with large teeth, wasn't up for it.

Which, if I remember the points I listed above, is normal.

He was being his normal anti-morning self.

I, on the other hand, have turned into a nervous wreck.

I realized this afternoon that I know - I know - things are better. His incision is fine. It looks great and his fur is growing back. He's playful and eating and drinking.

But I'm having a hard time relaxing.

Being on a constant anxiety high for more than a month seems to have skewered the living shit out of my relaxometer. I'm seriously tightly wound right now.

And I'm not sure what to do about it. I'm not use to that level of stress for that long and it seems I'm having a hard time letting go of it.

Like right now ... Hoss is in his dog house and being quiet. Which probably means he's asleep (we kicked a ball around for a bit when I got home today). But I want to go outside and check just to make sure.

Argh.

I need to figure a way around this.